(I’ve been writing random little thoughts in my iPhone notes app for a long time. Around 2017, my freshman spring at Harvard when I began planning a novel and an adventure, they started getting interesting. Writing in my phone notes often indicated that I was high on marijuana, but not always. The notes get way more interesting as I go on my first big adventure, and then keep getting progressively more interesting as I return to Harvard for my sophomore and junior years and take many amazing classes that greatly expanded my intellectual world. I doubt anyone but the most hardcore fans will read this in order; I recommend just randomly scrolling down and scanning around for something that interests you. It tends to get better and better over time as I become a better thinker, so don’t get stuck in the early stuff.
These notes are full of everything, unedited: there are profound thoughts mixed in with unintelligible gibberish; there are to-do lists and reminders and bus specs mixed in with ideas for my novel. There are poems and the seeds of poems. There are extended thoughts, paragraph long journal entries, and an epic list of different New Yorkers I saw passing by during a hour of sitting on the pavement. There are notes on selfhood and on hitchhiking. There are memories of conversations with friends, and little memory joggers for myself that make no sense to anyone else out of context. There are ample philosophical musings and details about people I meet and things I want to remember. There are moments of sheer genius hidden in piles of nonsense.
One thing worth mentioning is that WordPress deleted all of the various line breaks I had; in the phone notes, there were often large spaces between entries, and different sections were separated off so you could tell which sections were written when, or at least which were grouped together since I often just opened the notes app and added to the bottom of whatever the last note was. As such, not only is the chronology of these notes imperfect, but also the grouping or spacing has been lost. But that’s okay! It just makes the whole thing flow into this one epic cascade of notes, which is interesting in itself. I’m certainly not gonna go through the whole thing and add custom spaces lol. You’ll figure it out. Overall I think this is very interesting and worth skipping around in. It will give you a taste of the way my mind has developed over the last five years. I think phone notes are a cool new form of cultural artifact, and I’d like to see more phone notes from other artists in the future.
PHONE NOTES
Lit conversation real life style speaking authentic modernist stream of consciousness
Truth /=/ reality
R journal- records me as I am at each time period, whereas a book is written only by the me of the time I write the book
Uber driver romance movie cute modern love story- possibly set in our regional/cultural area?T
Email psychiatrist
Do harvard shit
Religion matters because it’s the first like story for a society or culture. First prime story that everyone knows everyone reads the Bible it’s like the biggest story about the biggest themes that matter to people and then everyone goes crazy and has to spread the story. But that’s why religion matters- art in that society basically all tangential off that first story in some lineage way.
God is a purely philosophical concept
Maybe 15% chance god actually interferes with society
History is everything we’ve learned so far. Only thing we can learn from. Just the history of whatever subject
Philosopher president
Religion is super powerful story powerful enough to permeate everywhere, motivate people to spread it, and then trap all other stories from being created and make people need to center life around story and perpetuate it for “holy” reasons
Cause art comes from stories
Music painting architecture
get into the lampoon long con joke The Prophet, new title added to lampoon title ranks,
The doors article?
And I noticed the trees
Noticed nature signifies smoking leading into stoned thoughts essay
Signals to readers
The renaissance man dead – the character of the renaissance man dies
Renaissance man = dean Cassidy
Built up over whole novel from pov of narrator who you trust he’s on the side of the truth and of you. The peacemaker is the narrator. Renaissance man is the gatsby. Him casey. Using the language of our time- mine with my youth. Peacemaker and Cassidy with contemporary slang language f gongs and like and shit. Has to personify voice of young Americans coming up right now. The post millennial. Generation Z ‘s beat movement parallel, culture early change leads to wave of 60s
I have to be the peacemaker first person in story and first person in I during essay chapters, weed signals authorship, signaling my connection with the character connecting through space of narrative and reality. I build up trust as an authentic source, explain my very inner soul, and become the only person they can trust in world of fake news. But at same time, have humility and admit weaknesses and possibly untrustworthy conclusions
On the road was great entry express time and novel idea of straight long type. But also was a discredit to it since writing is rewriting. Needed way more editing. I will write better version painstaking effort to craft tale
Describe characters to illustrate types of people at the time? What if I visit lane lol
Not excellent writer, but in tune with zeitgeist
Can’t find the words… smokes… I find words for him
Peacemaker is some aspects of me, nicer, anxious. Sex scene? Tinder?
Renaissance man confident me
Not a novel about me, but in general writing about what you KNOW is most powerful, and I know myself
Societal negotiation between progressive and conservative – gotta take higher asking price to get the true desired result (closer to the center)
Parties distort this global struggle because of nationalist borders and because of slytherin trying to win personality draw of people into politics. No philosopher kings.
cultural politics get people who don’t care to vote . Easy
But flaw is that they can be used by fascists or some other bad figure without ideology to power trump
Curve of history progress tradeoff vs. happiness
Progressive is future but gotta go in increments in order to work so need both voices
Parties are containers ideaologies are rea
Meme is an inherent assumption logical fallacy. Adds visual powerful implications associations with text
Newt talking to hannity about obamas radicalism
Cultural waves: older vs younger siblings. Formative child years with older sibling as close friend/influence, older YouTube videos vs later, music, game systems. Gimme what he has affect and parent leniency over years increase leads to further material ties. Also are industries aware of this? Capitalization may deepen cultural ripplesw
I’ve spent enough time in identity phase: do Peterson thing then move on to building pragmatic shit
Execute time soon
RFK was the one white politician in 1968 that African Americans and the young and the hopeless knew they could listen to, because they knew he was the one good guy who wasn’t giving them bullshit. Bobby understood.
Leo’s death- crazy ish guy, I’m talking him down, I understand hiM, Leo tries engaging him gets shot. Call police. “Just.. live with me for a sec” stayed there living with him, living intensely and deeply and lovingly, until I was left there living alone
Peacemakers entire worldview of everyone’s goodness destroyed, has to be rebuilt
Use samples to find out how unlikely life on earth is, use samples of knowledge about other planets and shit, probability there’s other life, intelligent life, probability we’re in base reality assuming our reality started like any reality has to
In the night, our reality slightly less tethered to sense-constructed reality, a little more free, + more free from human society reality
No one’s crazy any more. All the mad brilliant people have been squashed down, too much locking them up in this fake world
4 west row 91
Ch 159.59.70
157.42.27
157.40.3
First line— I’m gonna be real with you, I’ve never written a novel before
Humans learned to recreate the evolutionary process of natural section via Jordan Peterson meaning of meaning essay. Thoughts are just reactions to to negative feedback from senses and brain, instead of by dying. Brains old sense of reality dies and a new one is reborn, constantly learning constantly changing and adapting. We succeeded consciousness succeeds BECAUSE we harnessed natures most brilliant accident; our brains constantly “evolve”. Neurons small unit of life recreate actions “die” from failure and evolution is the development of our reality- reality constructed from living organisms in our head ecosystem. Brain ecosystem.
Higher ideas morals themes shit are farther back learned knowledge; history and facts education are part of input. The thoughts that survived the test of time
Collectively we are something greater than we can even imagine
Meditation strengthen the mind stimulates parts more works this system faster; kills and rebirths faster, more evolution is done, higher thought life possible. Education same thing; increases rate of worldview death and reconstruction
Negative emotions or feedback from current reality forced change, is death of that reality
Facts /=/ reality because of radically different evolutionary realities in brain, if different constructions of reality too far apart distance wise hard to reconcile. That’s why hence the peacemaker.
Truth /=/ reality
Theory of the Philosopher king
Must understand all these major broad large scale things, human things, sociological things political things morals goodness honesty liberal ideas combined with Greeks combined with modern science and shit psychology knowledge of how we work internet information education
I need Henry master to be master of institutions
Drugs altering reality
Platonic Socrates like discussion dialogues in intercalary chapters to express ideas through dialogue. Prophets
Just have to know who each character is through characterization
Separation of social world from connection brain world intimacy information
Authenticity in relationships: want to learn their reality and be part of it. Tesselate. Inauthentic is transactionary not transformative.
Authenticity requires you to acknowledge own flaws, live continuously growing, not copying, banal is ugly word for a reason enemy of existence. Weakness of ego
The intelligence of love now takes on new meaning because of that stuff
Eastern religion
Religion is important because stories are everything. Information originally passed on by oral tradition and first writing wasn’t movable type- only way to translate cultural information and intergenerational learning and speed up brain evolution is theough biggest most powerful stories. Ancient languages. Religion. Lot to learn
Bullshit watch:
Rubbing
Generation name?
Similar thing, pressing against it pressing into it?
On a line or a wave of some kind splashing right into it
Rubbing your eyes?
Pushing
Friction swell swelling
Generation experienced pre-internet , early, crystallizing, exploding. Adept with it doesn’t fall into early internet traps or late internet traps of free market power. Generation that is in college now will learn from shit as it blows up now, need to rebuild. Or are in our 20s, 30s as shit gets worse and then 40s 50s in power after it blows up need to make the peace need to be great generation
Webster, Burke, Chatham, bossuet, s. Chrysostom, Cicero, Demosthenes
Reverse order
Generation stuff
Icarus and shadow
Edward hall
Intercalaries:
Plato Dialogue
Prophet talk
The End Beatles music onomatopoeia
Pipe burst. Water through ditch, wets ditch thoroughly, but awaiting seeds in dry areas around ditch go unsprouted
Rock in the ditch-obstacle, spread the water
Sun
Need to be sponge
Write for s long time
Take notes read learn more while writing add in layers as I move through literature
Inherently more real and creative in the moment, can recollect as best I can. I’m writing this afterward obviously.
Alex character
Longfellow
Joyce Joyce Joyce
Irish
Dark to light not light to dark !
My stewardship of the night
Universal acting
Macro more observable than micro it came first
Old lady with bouquet on 420
Two canes weird
Love flowers joint bouquet
Psych and social theory social studies history economics. Forms in between link between macro and micro
How we construct reality vs how reality constructs us.
Evolutionary theory woven into it
Dubliners and America people
Syrian dunkin ? Waves
Prominent figures part and parcel
Catholic guilt original sin
Heal that wound?
Ducking under then walking winding back after guy
Express social theory in novel form
Everyone thinks their time is normal
Shit is still happening still waves off the “norm”
Nixon enabled by Reagan
Rfk v Nixon
Humor is high form of humor
Intelligent see something in the world tickles you
Our original guilt of being all hypocrites and fake sometimes for the betterment of us; Adam and Eve
Shared art bassem youssef
EGYPT
cradle of civilization
Prehistory bs just couldn’t leave it behind
So much shit happened
Most smart place for early humans to settle after spread from Africa it’s right there. That’s why Sumer developed next and so on.
Egyptian myths are just stories of people lot to learn from them.
Different races just like old friend you haven’t seen ina. While, they’ve changed. But once you get to understand them you are united again
We construct reality and our reality constructs us in inverse relationship
Language started with past tense
Pass on what you missed lol
Eden = when subdaharsn Africa was fertile and perfect for us
Stuff passed down to us isfundamental
Perfect we evolved to that environment forever. Happiest like animals are perfect happy where we belong. Sahara dries up we’re forced our “God” expels us. God is nature. Forced to separate, Tower of Babel, no more language or connection of perfect environment. Forced to evolve and change but deal with harsh real world cause of climate LOL. Not perfectly adapted to it, have to wear “clothes” now
Something massive destroys all our progress Alexandria.
Bunker looks at nature through a blue glass
Individual creative creation entry into the public communalc consciousness
Self constructs reality and reality constructs self. Simultaneous. When we talk we can learn from other realities bridge them. Jordan Peterson conversion. Nail late night interview viral.
Narratives are just links lines of thought
Society reflects us back to us in their diluted perceived form
Form narratives to attempt to understand complex other realities
Narratives make sense to our brain form easy linking links to form story/ perception
Shortcut
Fear and sadness are us understanding reality
Learning
I had crossed the whole wild country, pushing softly at every contour, feeling for some sort of give, pushing and searching for that free West. But I only found filled holes, hard barriers, and everything between the Mississippi and the Pacific filled in.
The west is in us. We need to Keep it going in our minds in our ideas
Sponge- bread mopping up juices
Mirror- reflection, parable of the photo booth. Amwrica
Can’t BE everything Leo, but everyone can be everything and so we need people to reconcile the gap and put it all together peacemaker
I wanna tear the whole thing raw, delicately remove the skin from the beating heart, the writhing muscles, the beautiful synapses
Travel at night, love the night, Nod>eden, purposely seeking the dark sleuthing intimate different sneaky see real side with less light to obscure, sol is sun, bring light to the darkness
Brief flash of light fire spark illuminate the Nothing, return to nothing
People to search their night, not just the worlds that have light shining on them
That’s wet if I ever heard it . Drenched. That’s so wet dude to my dancing story
Appreciate the light so much more
Push yourself into the transcendent to grow
Email Peterson
I love you. Not in the way I love all people so achingly, but I love you brightly. Every man I see, I see a dim determined light, burning beautiful embers of campfires crackling and soothing me. But the light I see in you blinds me, I squint into it and it warms into every essence of my experience I squeeze my eyes shut and smile.
Leo as tj America American aspirations
Scoliosis high massage description feeling meditation sensation another persons reality misunderstanding between realities of my body and his insurmountable feels amazing but also return to pain after. Symbilizes how I simply can’t be forced into the mold, but also I like the pain. Growth. All the way back to when we don’t remember. Did dad push me down the stairs? I’d forgive him even if I felt like that was true . Forgiveness humanity. Accept the state of imperfection of pain because grow. Also remember toe, remember sleeping weird. Plus trrrible chair posture boom. But all caught in that deep fog of memory, it’s so incredible how little we remember but said literary. ADHD but also there is so much we don’t remember all of us so important psychology and shit building. Little pebbles earlier in the stream leaving a wider ripple in its wake.
A book both intensely human and intensely American
Human body and social world are lenses on the light
BuzzFeed bullshithg
Nick allison
Water droplets on the windshield chad and Christian spots potter patters dry spots those spots will be gone soon I can’t wait to wipe it clean and then wipe and then beauty!
Bad old music, McDonald’s, where else would we be? Tired late
McDonald’s scene, looks good outside, gray unbeaurodjl
Amazon
Target
Charger stuff
Best Buy- laptop
Driving in car loud music (BLIP BLIP BLUP) of notifications
Cite
Dad stuff?
Peninsula – end almost nothing, out everything
17 inches torso height
Friendships when you’re young- when the flame is stronger, the wick less smothered by melted wax
Soft bed
Every problem we have to either keep going or adapt in some way. So every part of us is an inverse reaction to some sort of experience problem or stimuli
Chapter one
All this shit
Dad leaving my weed in garage for
Exhausted
Long chapter one of home before I leave
Towers can be seen from all our town closed
All navy blue cool how it’s all color no black really
Kerouac Joyce Steinbeck
Father son
Me holding him protective-reversal scene, belies emotional holding, hint at past discretely, stuck in loop
In bed squirming
To do
Rei bag fitting, water purity caps?
Waterproof bags within sack
Towel?
Eyemask
Couchsurfing host
Wash clothes
Hair stuff
Granola bars etc.
Work out
Byes
Not infinite, but infinite enough you kno
Appalachian trail woods
Emerson transcendental
Imagine if he had known about this. Or Darwin
Humans amazing
Avatar of most op evolutions
Plants are life- die at adversity except adapted survive and evolve generationally
Animals varying levels of “thinking”, can adapt/learn in one individual life with limited ability
Some animals social-gain
Humans all our brainpower ability to perceive reality relatively well in a single pov, plus people coming together in social groupishness leads to our ability to perceive OUR as well as our reality. Talking – exchanging info about each other’s reality. We know like so much more because. Learning, taking that single life learning to the next step. Then GENERATIONAL LEARNING- came from STORIES which is why narrative is important. Vehicles invention to pass on intergenerational learning. Then trapped by each other social gravity we settled down agricultural revolution worse off individual but for society. Then WRITING CITIES TRADE ROUTES etc increase human connectedness more and more. The points of light connect more and more, and the spaces connecting between them make them greater than the sum of their parts, and we grow hotter and hotter with the heat of light and life. We ARE so much more now than we were previously and we’ll keep being so as long as we don’t accidentally fuck it up. Sometimes it sucks talking to people, these social contours our eternal parents have drawn to refract and focus and spread the light-one can feel themselves rubbing up against them if they are sensitive enough. Yes truly love is all you need, that golden riptide of light
We have no fucking clue how powerful the internet is and what it’s going to do to us. We have no fucking idea.
Internet after tv and radio and telephone and stuf, internet is a literal constant stream of light. Populist bullshit and stuff happening because we don’t have the right contours on this new medium yet , we don’t understand the power of the torrent we’ve unleashed and haven’t started building the correctly shaped dam.
Group ability plus learning ability= group learning plus create ability = culture
Balance of the promethean power and the brick-laying power- try to find optimal
Reason humanity is beautiful is that we have been truly blessed and endowed by Life and given the keys to the great garden. We have been given the sublime awesome ability to understand the contours, follow more contours, push old paths deeper, carve new paths into the dark ether where others may have seen only black. We have the power of light, which before only beautiful Nature possessed from the moment hydrogen collided. And we’re spreading the light over the earth
All these thrusts of life,
America got lucky as fuck and became helm of probably the best thrust yet. Representational limited democracy simply optimized benefits from the division of labor while also controlling for people who would try to inoptimally distribute power and things for personal gain, aka fix “free rider” esque problem
While hiking at, free nature but people still put it in a literal line and in a race and equipment focused a to b. We like to draw lines on things in the same way dogs like to pee.
Walking through woods looking at feet not to trip then looking up and wow and then at path and ew and then at sides diagonally on boths sides in front and like wow I can appreciate everything. Area over line is huge. So hitchhiking, I don’t wanna be the one driving
Running down hill, appreciated obstacle course nature gave small rock to small rock then roll right ankle a bit catch self stop keep weight off it feel it around sit for a sec drink some water will it towards my feet here you go team and then stand and no pain. And I was happy for my youth.
Since we can’t trust a philosopher king, we all have to be philosophers
Cause when
More time, effect of etc time contour even in the distance. Future expected time counts too. People were married had jobs and shit went into contours fast because they had less time not to. Longer lives, increased GDP- people like the Beats can exist. He gets money from his aunt. Idea of “teenager” ” 20 something”. Stupid 21 law
Blackrock. Rain. Smoke. View of appalachians. Wet again. I can just BE. The rock I’m on. What’s that story? Rain barely blur can see just from my spot. That time a million wearing down the cliff rock- I saw it in time lapse. But rain subsides after strong fast. View. The fucking movement of liquids around me around everything. The other layer of our planet was suddenly in my perspective. sSky. 3 ridges different. Stare at bird for a while, ai bird cleaning. Freud is below Darwin in tree. Puddle I laugh lol. It was spring in my heart. Post rain sunny wet Palate. Feel like a boy, eyes stuff eyes transparent reference? Thinking lost somewhere under those tiny trees. Then north south no that’s the WEST holy shit.
Fear of deer- chill with deer
Guy with life is good shirt walking away from sunset
forest just walking through
Oo-ahh-iii / ooo-iii-aaa -> aaa-ooo-iii
Monkeys creeepy lol
Humans big shift. Causation. Connect the first dots into lines, higher thought.
On rock watching waterfall scene- no words support
Using every drop of my water for living. Wash hands with it. Zombie apocalypse appeal
Addicted to reality- after addiction to weed, it’s what we want to believe
Visceral music- how he feels it. It can be what I want it to be more
Moh- bunch of McDonald’s high and naruto for hours posted upvon the couch
CONGESTION AS METAPHOR FOR PROBLEMS WITH CONTOURS
Clouds approaching Chicago. Sunny, lots of cloud, light beams radiating down and up? Exchange of light between the heavens and the dirty earth
Biking around Chicago
Validating identity
High- feeling the other observers more-ny
Paranoid?
Water fountain
If I had just kept walking I’d have seen it but checked phone
Water is life
Doing stupid silly shit walking around lol
Trying to get codes keep forgetting doing silly shit in and out and around the bike kiosk, finally get it, realize I was planning on walking the whole time lol
Can’t get in the jazz club
Freestyle the 3’s
Just by imagining and being open and creative you experience more mimicking ideas
Left! No, that way
Thoughts in italics Faulkner booo
Got on the wrong subway train above ground tho
Beat thinfs- mouth dry licking lips exhausted bad posture sweat on brow. Used a lot of water. Replenish of life
Looping on the subway lmao
Walking around Chicago with Janna
Sun
Squint/smile permanently into the sun
Beautiful things
her
Dancing older woman in gov center- feeling that she knows something I do not
Covered woman writing a lot I wanna know
Oh, what a foolish flower was I!
In hot tub looking straight up. Everywhere on earth is just a unique new place to look out into the universe from. And since OUT from 360* (our spherical gravity center of orientation) out is everywhere every combination of earth’s new position and its spin and our position ON it and every direction we point our eyes
Rocky Mountains metaphor
Water moving through
Carving rock
Mountain created by natural shifts
Beauty is not in the mountain or the valley but in the carving and the difference
But at the same time run on sentence hitler tesla aliens the government
Silly me waiting out a storm that never came
Three rocks like childhood must be way
Looking around the rock of my past I saw a better way
Religion unnatural selection- selects for people who accept narratives better i.e. Followers of dominant faith
Closed eden gare
The tourists in the morning
I photobombed it!
Not the right shoes
My boots
Overprotecting
You climb down facing the rocks, son
dilly and her family
She’s got it
Personal space lady
Hurt buttlside
Volbeat, holland bands
Hunter s thompson
Driving through montana
Talking about music
Smoke
Paranoia
Soft
The pastel green-sage
Vastness and oneness vs interaction of parts. Dark mountains with like two little orange lights in front
He was wrong you can see the light reflection on the sky from far away cities
The light light radiation on the air
They can’t see it the corona of our light
Blue and yellow
Primary colors
Spectrum off it
Green half yellow light half blue life
Red earth
Fire orange half earth half light
Purple dark blue, no lifjt, just earth and life (air/people) makes purple
Driving quiet st night
Those social lines went down with the sun
And we were tired
Big sur
Henry miller Tropic of Cancer
Active or passive participation in a societal construct
Based on positive reactions to participation
Active-understanding why we have the contour and morally guide ourselves to follow it for societal good
Every hear train buzz, I can feel the power of a greater more terrible god, the steel Moloch that could tear off my limbs and crush the brain in my skull
Take off sunglasses light snap
Cowboy gonna wrangle these beasts
Operatin outside the law
Thanks shadow
Humans building societies just like cells building unique role things like kidney and adapt to environment through trial and error. Pushing creating adversity
M lookalike kozen Buddhist monk give flowers little one
In Portland the douchey guy with a huge box of donuts sitting next to. Homeless guy. Look man I work way too hard for my money
Me walk away fast
Guy later 1$
Bus tinder scene left left right right right left right
Thought I heard a whispered hoarse questioning voice, but it was only the city vibrating in the night.
Write one piece per night
Need to come back to Portland rose garden
American gods
Levi and Cheyenne
The harder road
Great driver
Humans are inherently bad
Safety warning
He’s all these things prison so many deaths how people are
A team comes on lol
The crazy windy dangerous road
Wanted to get Frisco but this way better
Wolf tamed
Seemed like worst possible pickup person daughter prison whole sad story
Humboldt pride
Cheyenne. Something in the water
Purple cooling lava darkened blue sky of night
Beaten Paths
Beatin’ Paths
Beat In Paths
God man I hope everyone doesn’t film the fucking eclipse
astro1328
Bluefront.org
Eldiosbasado
Martin ryam
Need to rework first chapter
Meaning makes us uncomfortable
Social physics
Howl but Gagged?
Same format but stifle
Dirty kid couch surf coalition
Elaineharris
Alex jones episode of john Oliver 13 min
Brains recreate evolution
Adversity-strength, happy abundance
Seasons
Water
Yin and yangs
Electric and magnetic conversation
Ego as filter lens on experience
Accurately read the deaths and lifes
Shadow as ego
Some liquid drip from truck
Mist spray around austin
Sneaking out into the yard I. Breau bridge smoking a cigarette
Teeming life cricketing screaming alive everywhere life wet everything damp and alive and hollering
The possession of that tiny little burning, so nice to have, so comforting, understood the desire to hold that burning and control t and possess it. How tempting it is to want to have that all the time, the capitalist creatingist need to burn, comfort in the dark and the night when we need it that we get addicted to so we use it in the light of day when we don’t need it. That comforting warm Smoky security that we can create lines of light too just like God.
Feeling
That tumultuous crying in the dark that yelling that joyous singing that burning that abstract smoking that creation that idea that meaning that living that force that essence that something that you can’t shine a lot on because it is light, that energy can be felt in the dark that we have eternally shined our thinking on revealing nothing but our own searchlight.
All of a sudden all energy left my body and immense calm washed over me and I could barely hold myself standing. Stumble. Sit on the rocking chair and all the life draped over other life on the trees.
And I went back to my room and went to bed, snuffed like damp ashes
Swamp
Evolution, we copy things from nature tour guide
The other tourists not knowing clock “time”
The lines I’ve written here matter. But I hope you’ve been reading close enough to have found that there’s some powerful beautiful force unnamed between the lines
The two fans spinning in tandem
My ADHD medicine as representation of the themes
Agricultural revolution- my back, hunch oppressing force of lines but also can be return to primalcy childlike crouch?
Eggs and nice normal breakfast. Probably had it in honest Nebraska chapter too
America a hall of mirrors and dazzling lights
Podcast guy
New Orleans old jazz guys preservation hall scene
Other people
Georgia
Crowd not really singing along
Dancing tinily doesn’t matter volume just that I do it. Little muscle twitches thumbs
Oh yeah I gave he guy my water lol
Bullshit tarot
All nice
Think I’m gay
Don’t look at her- my eyes were just like diagonal normal stare. Didn’t even react. Woah what was that incision a deepening of, like a blade of water carved out of the vaporous flowing fabric of our Forms existence, the space time
UNDER ADVERSITY YOU THINK MORE YOU THINK MORE YOU THUNK MORE FORCE CARVE MORE VOLUME INTO THOUGHT SPACETIME
WE ARE A REFLECTION OF NATURE EMERSON
CREATION IDEAS FORCE OF STAR EXPLOSION NEW FORCE LIGHT RADIATING OUTWARD INTO MURKY Possibility ALSO GRAVITY FORCE INDENT CARVING FORCE DEDUCTION BUT WHEN IT COLLAPSES THINGS ON INTO ITSELF IT CREATES A BLACK HOLE AND WE MASSAGE IT OUT WITH WILL BUT SOMETIMES THE LINES GET TOO STRONG AND WE GET TANGLED IN THEM AND PRETEND THE HOLES ARE WHOLE WITH OUR STITCHING EGO AND WE LIE TO OURSELVES AND WE LIE AND WE MISCOMMUNICATE AND WE DISASSOCIATE SLIGHTLY SLOWLY CONVINCINGLY AND WE SEAR BLACK THE INSIDE PANE OF THE LAMP WHERE LIGHT CANT GET IN AND LIGHT CANT GET OUT. AND THEN WE SEEK COMFORT IN INFINITE WAYS AND WE GET COMFORTABLE AND WE GET ADDICTED AND WE GET BORING AND WE GET STUCK AND WE GET GREEDY AND WE GET HATEFUL AND WE GET JEALOUS AND WE GET HATEFUL WE GET AGGRESSIVE WE GET VIOLENT WE GET HURTFUL WE GET EVIL WE GET RAPISTS AND WE GET MURDERERS AND WE GET WAR. WE LOVE OURSELVES AND WE HATE OURSELVES AND WE GET DEPRESSED AND WE KILL OURSELVES AND WE LOVE THOSE PEOPLE ||WE GET HURT BY OUR LOVE FOR THAT PERSON BECAUSE THEIR CANDLE BURNED SO CLOSE TO YOURS THAT YOU HAD A PICTURE CAST IN THE GNOMON BETWEEN YOU AND WITH THE SNUFF WE SCREAM AT THE TOLL OF THE NEARBY BELL AND WE ARE HURT AND WE HURT OTHERS AND IT SENDS AN EVIL TEAR THROUGH MANY PEOPLE AND THE WORLD IS DAMAGED BECAUSE ALL OF THE FABRICS ARE STITCHED TOGETHER
Nigel
Right now, millions of people are flocking to see the first total eclipse of the smartphone era in America. When the precious few minutes of eclipse arrive, I implore you, do not take out your phone. Do not waste those few transcendent moments thinking about your Snapchat story or taking a picture. You are not watching the eclipse for the hollow, superficial reason of saying “I am here, look at me”— millions of others are there, too. You are not watching the eclipse in order to get a unique picture to look at later— millions of others will take the same picture of the same sun with better cameras. You can see them later. You should watch the eclipse because you want to see an awe-inspiring, rare, heavenly display of hidden beauty from our life-giving sun. Let yourself experience it as an individual observer, or you will waste your moment just to add your meaningless identical digital drop to an ocean of uncaring screens
Driving around to find perfect place
Chris found wading place
Eating our god
Ra Egyptians
Yells from far ish crowed
All it takes is a little bit of sun
The triumphant shine at edge again
Mirrors journey bad days are ok good days great rise again
Shit
Lol
Mealisa ferrick
Kjcgreen1
The Viking hour m
Sitting on my old bench rock at home
gentle lapping of the water of the lees river
After a while lapping grows stronger slurp in sound squish out sound (teeth)
Weed cig
Sky sunset colors but looking east
The whole continent exploding behind me
Smoke then see birds fly by, 6 in perfect line as they know they must, flying south towards the bay, and I felt gravity smooshing me firmly to the ground. Body weak
Now woah waves! Shit
Book stuff
High long joke about Bing
Verb
CNN
Looked up a bit without thinking and suddenly met with the Universe
Abidextrous beeak free
Quote Turn left sometimes
Look at guy in car not just car
Make art. Bullshit.
I had been looking down the whole time
Felt the wind, knew it wouldn’t stop until it had blown over the whole continent
Love is the verb, god is the noun
Pleasure Island, rain, adventure, finding the violet and indigo flowers
Per aspera ad astra
Light
Lantern, flame, glass, outside elements cloud dirty scratch, also inside burn inside spots
Light only sun, creation, promethus so humanity makes fire so when sun goes down there’s still lights where humans are, the hearth, new creators, light, now lights everywhere, across world, in our phones, can’t escape light
Urge and urge and urge,
Always the procreant urge of the world
Our procreative urge coopted tricked into recreation
The poet must be contextless ageless timeless formless must deal in the smoke before it sublimates into pedestrian reality
The broad zoomed out order and nature of things
Humans like water, humans are water at least mostly.
Our cohesion our constant flow along the path of least resistance while carving into our environment making it anew to flow ever faster and stronger
We’ve been in streams, rivers, the Missouri and Ohio and now by god were rushing together without acknowledgment into a great roaring Mississippi and now where we rush we rush together while eroding into a shared tomb
The whole from the part the part of the whole
Myelin sheaths lines on things thought faster
I was conscious of my own myelin sheaths
We always only see a mirror image of ourselves! Weirded out by normal pics of us
Immortality through creation and recreation – offspring
Exclusivity of love? Why people like people who like THEM but not everyonE
Jumping for excitement then remembering leg day and exhaustion
Flame grows bigger flares and the shadow too grows bigger
Blue backpack- bearing my generation on my imperfect back
In that there is a whole host of actions happening we do not see affecting the natural world actively some possibly visibly then when we are in the world of humans cities ideas do you not see that there is too an invisible world of things we do not see happening all around us at once
Truth in jazz the uniquely American music beauty in the right ratios of lines to freedom of bass percussion backing to alto soprano sax guitar, jazz not necessarily best ratio but most free!
The end Beatles. In the end wrongfully seems transactional, but it’s true
Existentialist free choice + natural man + societal lines + Confucianism cultivate ritual and know when not to
Willful water
Stream of consciousness high
We are better if we retain and remind ourselves the beautiful trappings of youth- giggles, joy, openness, benevolence
To beware from the get-go the sticky gravitational power of lines and how many of them we are really always drawing. To stay open
Furthermore, to not act like adults. Certainly we should ACT like adults, have courage and responsibility and knowledge and such. But we shouldn’t /act/ like we conceive youthfully and erroneously to some degree of what an “adult” “should” act like. Fake acting, and we do it without even thinking. By opening the realm of the future to mans mind we created lines ahead of ourselves already guiding us along paths before we even get there. Imagine based on examples we have, insufficient. These rounding errors, the created fat of bullshit, cause problems in humans societyy
I Am Racist essay
Collectivist art essay
My dream
Hot tub with Marc chad and Brian
Bong, level of water keep just letting bowl underwater. Keeps burning!!!
Look over, neighbors house I kinda know and next door neighbor to them too.
The sun, without as much atmosphere way clearer, also way bigger than normal, this big gorgeous sun see the plasma and swirling creative power orange and yellow and writhing and majestic. Can’t you see it chad?! Chad you introspective man I love you you need to see it you would be open why can’t you see it why aren’t your eyes good enough, he kinda sees some of the flames licking at corner of it?
Neighbors house, written names on the wall black embarrassed about that.
Their house on fire, neighbor, do you know what to do? me thumb in hose spray it out
Also had Trump dream before that
Sitting in annenberg reading Whitman bodies delight in sea of passing along them desire to touch them, I love them all so much, so many beautiful or brilliant or kind people and I don’t KNOW, someone in this room could change my life where how. Why can’t they just make eye contact with me?
Chris picking me up. What did you see? Launch into Whitman list style I saw …
Train everyone by vivid transferred memory real created into their head of whenever they look at water or see running water even faucet water or cup they see life and think of all the water and think about Life and think about the connectedness of it all. They’ll be forced to by memory of the symbol and also of my scenes of feeling that thing to really imprint it. also meta mention that?
My spine not having good posture for always because when we are a kid and that early contour of sitting on shit is introduced a countour that has gotten way too deep now, expected me to do the hard work of sitting all the time. Takes certain training and devotion of muscles early on to develop. I was too lazy and also not compliant enough to
Have to reverse sleep, use natal fetal scared child on the edge of the bed position, muscles take weight and curve and lock in over sleep over years. Have to pull all those muscles opposite way wake live
Tell plains story, then admit it’s a lie, then essay about narratives
Shower looking at myself naked. We usually close our eyes draw blind.
Humans are the quantum
The third person is the Newtonian ideal plane
When I’m in mode of thinking of the part of society that is in me. The impartial spectator. The light all around of language and ideas and of social things and Created things in that higher dimension of quantum
Oh my god just turn the dimensions upside down
Smallest to largest level
Stuff adding up to bigger stuff
Whatever creates or composes time,
Time then stuff then motion plane then atom
Wandering the empty streets of Austin
Find the homeless band of beatcool people
Searching for janis
Mourning oh Janis where are you, her free walking around bell bottoms and shit so beautiful
Thoreau, quote hacking the branches of evil not the root
Karamazov challenge
Book arc also me fleshing out rekindled love of books, gonna read stuff after trip, see that now in the rewriting process. Stuff I’ve learned, grown. Also how our memory works, adding narrative in with later information, and how it should work it should all be revisited.! Knowledge
How merrily our minds hum and whir with or without us!
Experience itself is real, including emotional and subjective
The mind has adapted itself to an environment best described in non-material categories. Adapted to the SIGNIFICANCE of things, not the “things” themselves. Significance can be more real than things- adaptor and what is adapted to aka environment aka “reality”
Culture and nature, known and unknown, comfort and creation
And the simple step of a courageous man is not to partake in falsehood, not to support false actions…. but writers and artists can achieve more: they can CONQUER FALSEHOOD! In the struggle with falsehood art always did win and it always does win!
Alexandr Solzhenitsyn nobel speech 1970
The Big Thing:
Constant choice, domain of choice, type two unknown, creating responding growing
The self, cultivating the lens, Chinese philosophy
Freedom working with the lines around us, must understand the lines to navigate them
Love
The contours
Water
The Beatles CREATED so much. People talking to each other, not through corporations and newspapers but directly through music, so even youth could talk on a large scale- brilliant youth combined with communication and creation.
The lines of ought and will
Where “will” aka want naturally will go is a projected Contour extending out of a being with wills and inclinations
The synthesis as a self. The zipper?
Hegel
Idea reality and actuality
We will are the agents
The Emerson eyeball
Water
Heat from light evaporated water at forefront, gaseous water vs ice and synthesis liquid
Water’s cohesiveness, reflectivity, erosion power, fill container, downward tend, oh my god
Consciousness is possibility plus time
The creative element plus the water flow
If it is POSSIBLE then it is REAL or at least will be in the fully realized concept of Man. Calculus integral. Run up dream potential through all time and it’s reality. Consciousness. Can choose because it can imagine.
Not only all the muchness and Possibility and creation on our planet, but THERE ARE SO MANY PLANETS AROUND SO MANY STARS
Something about 2 hydrogen 8 oxygen protons. 2+2^3 = ten?!?!?!
The way the light reflects off the water
Showing the light that actually is there but that I could no longer see cause it’s through air then hitting things I see and bouncing or hitting me right in the eye directs. But I can see it reflected in the water.
Think about the GLOBAL water existence not just local
Fucked up Lyft driver vs Levi
Tired driving shifty
Words imperfect yes, but each extends a sort of field of possibility outward meaningwise, and enough of them circling near a meaning can all enlighten its visage through proximity to multiple lights shining on the same Possibility
God is all around us; the absurd; knight of resignation , knight of faith pushes against the contours further from fetus from Nod from god through God in order to be self-conscious of God through infinite connection.
Spirit my Spirit
Wherever the germ of life sprouts when some random fucking lightning bolt hits some complex water, it will survive and thrive and reproduce it’s the ultimate virus of creation which can itself create.
When happy curious brilliant little monkey had to leave the fertile jungle and go hide in a cave telling stories after killing bigger mammals and wearing them to survive the brutal cold.
Prehistory: prepsyxhokogy
We learn to walk from our parents
Watching them. Wanting to mimic them. Associate image of dad with image of walking. The association the creation of an imprint idea heuristic for the thing. Whole narratives can be spun into that reality, create powerful associations of ideas strung together like neural networks. Our idea structures are partially determined by certain neural architectural and reformational needs. Can form whole abstract world from creativity mimicry association sociality language and will, will to think beyond what you know, and throw a hook of abstraction out into the abyss and take a leap of faith.
Id past
Ego present
Superego future
Ego is under permanent construction you have will over it as the filter
And I had writhed my way back into my old body, only realized when drownd
Movie idea!: sci fi film about like getting a i quantum computing and taming that god and then becoming our full potential to create every possible thing through all time until we create everything including an ability to live infinitely to sink ourselves into all creation all time from the end of time.
Psychosis eyes
You know how zero is a placeholder and one is everything?
God is.
Creation is light manifesting itself creating itself stars are only source of light source of that inverse thing the antithesis of dark matter. Spark Big Bang hot condense mater gravity determined inward nature that first dimension, in and out. Collides creates burns star emanates light infinite outwards freedom Spirit creation energy warm photons. Possible that life will happen, made of the stuff of hydrogen water condensed Fibonacci numbers 1 1 2 3 5 8 but also 3 and 5 are unstable but provide the ones for the more twos but we get H20 baby! The perfect creation of 3D Space. Then time has things to perceive time to be in time to not just be a static deterministic rock collision but to live and die and reproduce itself
A point is simply a dimension of movement in and out, so all light in one black hole. Exists once that speck of light pulses back through sub lates overcomes with enough force to make other stuff and not get pulled back into black hole immediately.
In our fabric, wherever a droplet of light falls into our dimension creates contradiction struggle eventually explosion into stuff surrounding giant black hole a whole galaxy
Because of my present’s constant pain, I live more outside my body or in the future or the infinite or in comfort past, but also in the present as I return to the finite
First dimension of energy (first energy spark that created the in/out tao in the first place). Then it “falls” through dark matter, expulsions matter and stuff it creates as it creates it around it. This falling simultaneously creates depth line. Second dimension, because each dimension inherently has energy it inherently will move hence the new creation of a LINE necessitates a dimensional PLANE to move along. And then that plane since it is made to move (?) creates 3D space, which must move in TIME because space literally SLOWS DOWN ITS PROCESSING, because speed of light but also not /because/ per some (?). But like 3D space action is so complex and like doesn’t instantaneously return to its center cause like time and curves and so much entropic reality. All time happening at once is what happens when time moves through space. The dimensions come back down(?) and all time happening at once so life happens us happens creation happens everything that is Possible happens and we are it’s agents, (does this to back down into the atom of my mind?)
The absurd
Q only change when people make choices
Time doesn’t exist in our head only the imprint of time
In school young one leg right leg left brain bouncing other leg stuck
Scene of relearning how to dance move forward in time no plan just with it free aaacreative move out of one spot, unlearn mys teen self, after having established by mom how i used to love dancing as a little kid
That stone human edifice beautiful complex creation standing strong in the rain human made perfection carved out so masterfully that water the original carver hasn’t taken it down. Gotta create something that long lasting. Except not create. Excavate polish
3 am dancing waiting in the rain for someone to let me in. Really dancing. The wounds in me from early childhood, the wounds from early adulthood. Unlearning. Wash away in the current, blown along by the wind. Holy shit Vessel is a fucking brilliant album.
To make kids love learning again, diagnose the system and how people can overcome (implicit ofc)
And i appreciated the SHIT out of that cold falafel
It’s about choosing what to jump into, you have to keep jumping. Need to feel that promise in a small stream seen from uphill. The current is one such that you know will deepen, widen, hasten as it goes along and it will go along and you will go along, and only if you leap and stay faithful in that leap as you drift in the cold water, because if you stay on rivers such as these then you can experience the joy of proximity to the infinite from the top of the mountain all the way down until finally and joyfully approach the vastness of ocean, limitless.
Tasting apple on my lips when hungry
I never taste that usually, I always am tasting something leftover from my last indulgence so that I am always tasting so I taste less
Oh know! I’ve almost missed sun-time. Appreciate sun. Sun time is day not things done then
Beauvoir: “every subject posits itself as a transcendence concretely, through projects; it accomplishes it’s freedom only by perpetual surpassing toward other freedoms; there is no other justification for present existence than its expansion toward an indefinitely open future. Every time transcendence lapses into immanence, there is degradation of existence into “in-itself,” of freedom into facticity; this fall is a moral fault if the subject consents to it; if this fall is inflicted on the subject, it takes the form of frustration and oppression; in both cases it is an absolute evil”
When you realize it when you realize you are truly free, you can realize your perfect happiness and satisfaction but you must choose to return t the lines to go back and sweat when you need not and push the lines
Dancing in your foot
I want someone to eventually invrnt
Also stars
Pleides
Powerful scary facing guy
Campfire
Stories
Characters
Other humans
At NIGHT
AT CAMPFIRE
source. Off ideas
Letter to girl who’s favorite constellation is pleides
Funny letter about ok but really what if the Arabic guys at the Harvard falafel place are agents
it’s our story to fucking write
Interpreting life as a story with trends of narrative leading towards things and when novel things happen we have to be open to learn, will eventually glean general binding things
Humans complete entropy, exhaust all creative possibilities
Take in entropy, can see the cracks it radiates from, organize it, intuition?
Poem to my precious anchor
Death only comes to those who forget it
How many animals can see the stars? How many animals look at the stars? Part of their behavioral programming?
The wanderer in the night saw the stars; even FOLLOWED them, gave them significance.
Stories around a campfire, while looking at stars, comprehend our smallness and comprehend the vastness of what we don’t know.
Isn’t it kinda bs tho how we saw like points connected them then like painted a whole image across them and gave them stories?
Inverted relationship of meaning and words
The human specialness comes from those lights in darknesses.
To play is to live is to grow. But to play and never practice? That would be a waste.
Alt j taro, spray into my eyes,
Truth exists in Meaning
Truth is the asymptomatic line approached by the compilation of Meaning over Time.
It’s the individual but scattered constellations of stars, of the place where gravity pulls, and isn’t it romantic how everything in the universe is just that, just things having mass and things that create Light and energy and Create and they’re the same thing. And when pulled into it, are we crushed? Or just changed? And death is ok.
I’ve gone mad, and I fucking love it.
Writing that, lick my lips
Epilogue quitting cigarettes
Will
Chemically satisfied after, less existential
Fucking bullshit it’s all the bullshit and we choose to breathe it!
Act of free will
We have it all here! The big clues!
America is fucking incredible! Perfect luck and bounty and masses of different people smashing into each other freed to smash more to a degree, heated up in a well constructed pan, and America is fucking exceptional and has been for a long time. But we gotta KEEP being exceptional, we can’t stick our feet in and think we’re right, we can’t turn around, we can’t stop paddling and let the ceaseless current drifting us to the past stop our progress, we have to run at each other full force and smash our protons together and effervescize, we can’t BE exceptional we have to always be BECOMING exceptional. And what is our exceptionalism worth unless we are exceptional among exceptionals, if we are all growing in lively competition with a worldwide optimization of becomers, becoming as hard as they fucking can to show off to their sisters and brothers. When were we more exceptional than the America that Marshalled a refertilization of the ravagery that was Western Europe, and indeed many other places? And when were we less admirable than in all of the tragic imperialist bullshit we’ve gotten into due to the lingering and self-sustaining power contours of the War Machine?
Shadow is the only way that light illuminates me and I and others can see it
It’s their vision of me, dark, eyeless.
Cast by their observational lights of reason on me, that shadow which all things case.
For us, impartial spectator. For them, abstract idea of me individual out of me Man. In our out in?
Colonists bro. Colonies early colonies. Rituals versus nature early.
Conversation with guy at Harvard about William James
Quitting cigs alone
We have war, unlike any species
Also have crazy cooperative power
Either that comes from two separate inclinations which would both need to be explored (and scarily so), or ONE powerful force. I believe the second, and that power of connection, the between, the synthesis of you and all, is love.
If we war and love from the same power, then what talk of good and evil is there without that? There is only entropy and creation, created when some self-regulating system comes into existence, and we are the curious ones who can pick up a few pieces of the infinite and perfectly shattered mosaic and put them back with bits that fit together to form a holy little part of the divine image.
I’d rather die in the Big Crunch than the big freeze
Must move past good and bad
Hooking up. That’s another thing we need another word for.
And if you read a lot of books and think about things and be open and be curious and be free and dedicated and care then you can do EVERYTHING. And I haven’t done it and I never will do it cause the limit is a small infinite and I will die soon. But I want to see more flashlights at midnight and campfires at dusk while I’m out here, because God I am so alone
You learn things keep learning the INTERESTING things the things that tug further, natural flow to it, but school keeps you in a lane loops you in flattens your pattern your learning and you lose out nearly in inverse proportion to number of kids per class, factoring in imperfect teachers more.
Carnegie gospel of wealth
2017 ah what a year
Fucked up
But really
And we all should be ashamed
Because we all have a part in it and yeah it’s a part but it’s all parts and you’re a part lucky you welcome now be a fucking part.
And those of us who, using that goddamn blessed freedom that statistically most Homo sapiens ever had to gain power, have more responsibility in equal proportion to the amount of freedom. You have more freedom with more power. I hope you do not misunderstand. This is the idea; I.t is not yet actual. But it’s what you need make actual by accepting I.t as true.-
Heraclitus panta rhei everything flows becoming
Emerson
That wisest of American Sages!!!
1832 journals
Cleverness. Intelligent. Wisdom
Intelligence is the force, cleverness is useful but should not take the place. Intelligence helps winsome and cleverness helps real movement, but celebrates alone cannot create wisdom cause cleverness works the contours selfishly.
We ought to to think of our minds one water. Know when to freeze, when to flow smoothly with what’s around US, and know when we can and should be vaporous and fly and free, before again condensing and raining down into new forms and new lands.
Every American ought to read Emerson, ought to understand the water, not just in solid form but in its real middle holy nature. The hard ideas of “America” versus the real authentic stuff. Modern America is all about the superficial America; must warm up, and be liquid again.
Freedom ought not to be used as a cudgel to smash other free men, but as a sliding cohesion for all droplets.
Hnn- iiieqk noise meter
Animals around
Backyard good stars have you seen the stars tonight?
Moon
God
Talking to face talking to prophet
Light with face anthropomorphic recognition
Watching planet earth cities episode high
Ginsbergs shitty voice
Blue makeup thing
We need to make thoughts into words to share. Limiting.
Also ideally would be able to forever edit a book into perfection but must publish
Man in desert who saw birds fly earlier. Hears moon god face talk to him tell him fly east. Tells group, hero man supporter, becomes religion binding survivors
Walking around target, wantwantwantwantwant, do I️ want? For my money? Is I.T worth I.T?
Crinkle around aisle, crinkle in other, reflecting off ceiling crinkle everywhere
Feminist and masculinity, two regions OR a line middle truth line mean 50% sometimes. All things affect both
Entropy versus enthropy
Stared at my phone (Janis) like staring into a campfire on a dark night’m
Pragmatism
Transactiaonalsim
Tension with individualism
Individuals as generating elements
Society precede individual tho
Skinless
PERception
Who do we love first our mothers or ourselves?
Why is this happening? Cause we’re all sinners in the hands of an angry god. Do you believe that? No well not the angry part, were all sinners tho, cause some part of us knows our perfectibility and knows that we fall short of this in so many ways every day. It’s just the acknowledgment of this that’s so important
Driving in the rainy ass day rainy ass night 60 degrees after 0 and 30 SEA WIND
The coming storm
The ones who will be adapting beautifully dancing in the eccentric exciting weather will also be the ones mourning the most
Day with Tay
That video Chad showed me
HOCKEY GAME SCENE THINKING ABOUT HOCKEY COMMUNITY FREEDOM TEAMMATES PLAYING GROWIG FALLING BALANCE POWER SOCIAL COMPETITOON
Pavlovian reinforcement of incipient prejudices via narrative
Drawing boxes around ideas pushes them from the mean/truth
Terrance McKinnon
Culture = ego
Ego grows in proportion to experienced cultural environment
Pushpin as good as poetry, except when you calculate FUTURE happiness as well
Blue eyes solid, water and sky, sometimes deeper blue when near other blue things. Hair born blonde, darkened over the years to a brown
Intro, to the people I met who might find themselves represented here, know that it was a mix of truth and lie (material /ideal / material) that I put on them and doesn’t necessarily represent my real feelings with them. I loved them all
Plains lie chapter, then admit it, everything is degrees of truth and lie, real experiences created real ideas that I made material by writing. You see? But this one I made up the material itself and so that was pure fiction and I figure I should be honest with you.
A jar in Tennessee surrounded by wilderness. What that jar can beautifully hold. A flower!
Some chance spark may fire the prairie
Endless content never content
Hard Calvinist work-> easier life -> loss of edge -> “if you told the modern American that he is totally depraved, he would think you were joking, as he himself usually is”
If you have to walk somewhere determinism you can at least dance
A horse in motion at all ones has all voices of the ground
Nabi artists
Ezterab
narratives impress culture adaptations input compoundingly through -social action-, meaning it gains power as a) a representational “other” for ego to form in negation of, and b) to also gain power (imperfectly) in proportion to perceived amount of people who have consumed and share this narrative.
Problem of psychopaths 1%… also I’m a murderer, don’t believe me? Look up ___
Humans have not a nature, but a history
Building a self, like this book, continuous, cutting some old adding some new, rethinking,
But living a life and forming a self needs that essential heat, that motion of atoms when you smash into them with all the passion of a fired bullet
Levels of sciences-> of course physics relates to how we work
Conatus- preserve being in face of becoming – will to power- will to life – strive to exist
Grateful for how good I am at forgetting
Solomon— sol… who am I to judge? Myself
Do all the graceful poses and weight switches and hip holdedness and wrist flamenco flexingness and five fingered dancingnrsd
And as you get older it gets harder to switch between them and you surrender some treasures.
When you’re a kid, book world and real world are the Sane misspell same world.
Will to believe
Talking with ari
Value we’re bad at valuations
Quantum computing
Zero and one are the /bounds/ but everything is bell curves and bollocks!
Romance
Someone to read my notes
Hey may I see your notes?
Also high notes arrangement puzzle put together thesis about something strung along high phone notes?
I could be delusional
I suppose to some readers this may to a degree discredit me. Sigh
But I smoked too much weed from too young and so I underwent probably suboptimal development total but with an adaptation in this area.
Yo guys seriously though this shit is for real. The stakes are high we gotta understand dx we have to incorporate understand it a full arm embrace you have to understand you have to rise to that understanding rationally and courageously and will yourself up to it even over it hanging from a branch waiting to leap on the prey the present a gift from the past, an ancestral amen of the gods.
We have to get serious now and start being heroic and start doing some shit precisely because it’s been easy to do shit for so long we’re complacent cattle but we can know better now we can writhe and shake and flex and grow and fight, and precisely now is when we have the opportunity to grow strong enough, you auburn haired caramel fleshed ice eyed beautiful generation!
Dave Franco – you don’t care about the environment? That’s pretty fucked up man.
Bro you don’t read? You haven’t had time to like read A book this week? That’s pretty fucked up man
“Like” is super accurate
You know
Broadest thoughts most valuable to keep present, conditionally and pragmatically, and as you move through life openly collecting everything that flies into your eye and exposing every interesting detail in every direction to see where it can take you
You can feel us coming apart at the seams, this is when you need to pick up a needle. No not that kind
A few thick layers of bright bright orange and a less bright deeper orange above, a mirage of orange peel zest laid over sweet tart juice, don’t bite, it’ll squirt sharp in your eye and you’ll have to squeeze it tight and then how will you see the once-daily unique spectacle?
Water looking like milky paintbrush-cleaning water
Blue is reaction to distance from original, value water more cause we see less of it. In the near future we will remove ourselves from the nature world the material and we will more totally enter the ideal through internet. There is a percentage of world relationship. Reintegrate religion mystification gratitude.
These things are all serious all or experiences SAY something about our environment and when we’re feeling weird about our complex environment bad emotions it means we need to DO THINGS and CHANGE OUR ENVIRONMENT and we don’t do that cause it’s confusing and complex and sedative and restricting and inter subjective injective is all over you. But we have to take this stuff seriously, we have to take black mirror seriously, cause our idea world is gonna have to adapt quicker and quicker to rapidly evolving material world.
Whatever makes life easier is good, in idea and physicla
Society has no will, individual has the power the creative power the will to power the will to cross the line of society’s hardened will, finite step into infinite, faith, pull with them break barrier “synthesis” newness
Religion blue water the deep
We take water for granted
We take so much for granted
We cant take anythig for granted or we start decaying
Because we have a safety net of access to knowledge, and because so many structures make life easier, we are losing a lot and becoming weaker selves specifically in the face kf the ability to make better selves.
Can’t get music out of my head; my openness and love for experience lets it sink into me and carve indelibly, like ink pressed into the silly putty of my mind and for all my kneading and squishing can’t be rubbed out
We are not responsible FOR THE crimes of our ancestors ; we are responsible to the world they created.
Watching the vagina monologues
The metal thing
Rape by broom
Having a place on your body with a taboo over it. Having a part of your immediate experiential material world be bad and hidden and complicated and profane. Stunts you, Wollstonecraft, your narrative is so different, your idea world forms proportionally stunted
Restricting in the social world
Things you can and can’t do
Religion, the profane and the sacred.
sex is the PRIMARY cause of invidious social distinction, of religion in general, reflects natural biological need to repress population growth when collected in too-dense cities after becoming agricultural. Need to lower pop to get food; disgusting to see people copulating around, disgust profane emotion. Males already have material power from physical evolution, larger in wild, patriarchal social structures. Encounter new dialectic, men made sacred women and vagina made profane, provides sexual (emotional/evolutionary) base for larger psychological levels of social realm rules. Need to distinguish?
Tragedy is the original form of story, of narrative, of cognition, because it provides empathy based salient negative emotional responses to a human story, and we can LEARN from those feelings, the stronger the feeling the more something went WRONG to fix.
Comedy is just life as it was before tragedy
On earth, when the lights turn on over the glass, it’s blue.
Consciousness only because there is consciousness of us
Random associations in plural wackiness of reality from the POV of a small consciousness, thought strikes you from day old see color card hear song smash smash, creates connections random weird connections that sometimes form a picture of something so beautifully artfully real
NOVEL: SELF REFERENTIAL GUIDE BOOK / JOURNEY POSTAPOCALYPTIC SURVIVORS / descendants journey to the Place, Beacon, where 10000 year clock is, and books of human knowledge and how to rebuild it all and other surprises!!
Bezos or other makes deal with me, makes actual Beacon, honestly just in case we fuck up in some way we aren’t prepared for which is possible, to rebuild
Must print a lot of this novel, to rebuild society / teach survivors what they must do, find it scattered around.
Intercalary “” teaches them how to use boxed map and how to think and how to use old things from before times and how to be heroic have courage my friends
How to think
How to think about economics of life
How to think about time
How to think about value
How to think about ideal
How to think about degree
explain something by an existing force changed by degree if you can
Love and do what you will- augustine
Cameron Kasky*
David Hogg*
Alfonso Calderon
Jaclyn Corin
Sarah Chadwick
Emma Gonzalez*
Never Again
Democracy:
Citizens assume that their fellows have good reason for acting as they do, and questioning ones own perspective
Liberty:
All existence sprang from crimes against itself
A murder for every evolution
Crocey moving me down the highway
Listening to Reagan in car
Maybe 60% right but also real
But I assume the critics Job will be done , and sometimes we lack the opposite of criticism, literature, poetry, it’s super aeffective!
Nick of the Woods
John Neal
The lamplighter
the wide wide world
Charles Brown
John Neal
William Ellery Channing
Sedgwick
Lippard
Judd “Margaret”
Catharine Williams Fall River
I hate my phone but my phone is Them and I love them and my phone is Me and I love me. The other and the subject revealed as the same
Talking with joe and Sihak, pulling me out of myself, having body of thought from earlier then sparked by being pulled out of myself in the social tug of the moment, and in the interaction something new was created and it was more than the sum of its parts
Freud as Ilyas?
Wrong on love they all got it wrong on love!
Sitting in chair looking at mirror feeling like my father
We always have our mirror with us
The mirror as a material grounding and spur for ego growth to accommodate more societal ness / cause?
Love and sport
Being a good explorer
Heading west knowing that everyone’s on the same team and how to be a good individual player, how to be a courageously pragmatic explorer
When you close your eyes on a sunny day and face the sun, the warm orange behind your eyelids, but then when you open your eyes the world looks a more saturated, a little more alive and a little less real, bluer, a silently humming world of naked ultraviolet
When the sky is approaching sunset and it’s still blue and clear and the clouds are all strikingly lit and you finally see the truth from a flattering slant
Pronoun blanked. I loved them and pronoun blank
Light against clear sharp night sky with a few stars a clear sharp city night. Orange streetlight, one. Light lights up some things around here, but full moon lights way way better we can see just fine in the dark and the light is in our way and the light is a good thing but it is so finite wait no I’m sorry the lightsource itself is the star of meaning and the light is infinite rays but it is we who are so finite and we only see some of it in close up fading spheres of subjective perception, or subjection.
Time expanding as space expands
Entropy at the edges creating at the face of the sphere the ever expanding universe the recursive .01% quantum smash of in/outness at its random generation horizon
Henry was asleep in my bed
I went into the common room to see lights on but no knock answer knock, wanted to inquire aloud excuse me but is this room taken by one or two tonight because if so that is absolutely admirable and understandable but I simply must know because my large sweaty friend is currently asleep under just the comforter of my bed on top of my already dirty sheet which atop general sheetness also sported two large splotches of blood in fact the blood of someone he once loved and who broke him and that’s wild and so I would just like to know if you two need privacy which is again totally ok but I would like to know if I ought to end this irony and reclaim a comfy place to sleep in my own filth. And also, if you’re both getting laid, I am happy for the both of you and I hope you are generous Raahul you have to learn! And be honest and open and have fun. I will sleep in the yogibo. Love you sleep tight
Literally bildung
The puzzle of why is my spine wood crooked?
Resistance to authority father then facing teachers with right leg thumping
A gorilla in a cage projecting a defiant Why?
That one summer when I was like 3 or whatever when I like just read like I could just read and I read all the time and like that whole summer was the longest time in the world and when I was told I was going back to preschool I was like what that thing we’re still doing that lol and it was fun and all but the time of that summer had moved so incredibly slowly so incredibly densely full of life and growth and consciousness, I was a child and free and I knew time.
Various causes of spine crookedness genealogy
No right arm punch? Can’t?
Looking my mirror right in the eye
Do anything @ me
We are being in time.
Approximate fourth dimension by running up a duck Tom of 3rd dimensional neuron action. Integral!
Prism.
When we are thinking we are being in time.
When we are bodily and in motion we move through space move less through time literally relativity.
Limited mental capacity? But stretchable. But compensations always, not aware often told to think it’s fine by the revealer and the concealer the mind.
Moving within power systems vs. moving without them !!!
Rituals/contours/language/ power/ vessels
Vs
Transcendence/ essence / meaning / freedom/ water
Dreams versus rest
The unknown ie new environment, a part of us that is not known to us and therefore scary, this forces us out of ourselves to adaptation and growth or death.
Boxing my mirror in the bathroom
ITS THE PHONE NOTES
THE AUTHENTIC GEN Z
IDEAS THEMES THOUGHTS LACED IN AFTERWARDS, then can read section again knowing themes thoughts and then showing the pluralist open power of association and abstraction
Philosophical collections in between
We’ve learned from the beginning to lie because we knew the authority was wrong and sometimes we were wrong but regardless we had to develop this whole part of us this whole ruthless gash from the sadist superego and we liemagined and said we said oh god? Why yes indeed I love god, good day sir good day! In order to justify our crazy orgies and a a lot of us have died but I am getting off on a tangent right now aren’t I that’s dumb of me type this really fast and return but I was just on my phone in my room stopped for a second dead in my tracks high staring down at something not theirs.
Discourses with the liar
Dialectic
Slows down return towards truth
Will is needed
Will to cross the boundary
Will to say fuck you kindly but sadly
All the dramas and tragedies and rare heart warmers of history are dramatic, maybe not equally but all very much, and by the way many things are like that.
Sihak dialectic zero and one distance is everything duality begets everything else
Alex seeing that constructed visually to make up all of virtual reality space “one” space and we’re special beings that can experience that video game real reality which is lit
Being in time
Being in space
The difference between the young and the old, conservative and liberal, the will and the ego
Relationship to power to sleep or to fuck
Do you align Ego and superego to just create unified honest will do as you say and align your ideas with your actions the id well trained by a kind teacher to act as it believes and
A Fibonacci poem story
Lines
Yes from nothing because a yes takes two the agreement before nothing and then a no and then another agreement and the whole world is fractals and probabilities and a recursive 99.9% sim constantly expanding around the edges
Conscious life is the world of prose
Dreams are poetry
Betsy devos brother
Essa walking away in the rain even tho no rain in LA, but even time is a vessel, and I am the shipbuilder
Woodchime
Saturation Alex v me
Collage
Watching across the universe while high and reactions thoughts associations to it, italics, must escape the parenthetical to the implied radiations. 68 emotion ertotics of art. Reactions
American choppers as tie bobmers
Stream of consciousness because tethered to this external engrossing thing attention
Interaction with criticism affective fallacy intentional
Eliot past present forgive boomers its their parents fault too lol
Postmodern sun of Arizona need to get away
Then Sedona stars
Hmmm
Fanon Guy
Foucaultian nightmare
Isaiah Berlin two concepts of liberty holy shit
Negative and positive freedom seen as a Hegelian dialectic? Interaction between freedom from and freedom to leads to subversion transformation evolution adversity adaptation synthesis
Different selves, unnecessary distinctions – why?
One mind
Why distinction of if ego superego? Interesting need, what is simplification?
Need to read Mead
Big shiny red truck with covering over unused back with American flag blazenednon back. Scared, don’t know why, or rather don’t want to reveal that part of me yet. The fascists among us. “Propaganda uses the very images of liberalism”
Are your eyes open?
Open wider
And Are you always learning?
And feel a smile forming at the back of my throat an opening the feeling of my tongue touching the back of a smiling mouth at the beginning y of a grateful yes.
Brian door open at McDonald’s drive thru with started from the bottom now we here
Dialectic relationship between humans and our environment
Can synthesize when we understand
There is more in some people, more adaptations, more connections between them therefore, deeper inner cultures to develop more complex webs of neural atomic bricks
Do neurons have more information than atoms of carbon? Or molecules? Or more shades feelings chemicals?
Do neurons change color when they hurt???
It’s ok that some people have more or less it’s not a question of that and that is not your whole value as a human being regardless, but awareness of it understanding of it can help urge you to want to learn more to want to be the same to want to be a different same to want to find shiny new bricks to your bricoleur playmates, because the universe is plural and rich literally and figuratively beyond imagination.
Why two hands nail no nail?
Just wanted to see why they were different
Talking to George
That wave that washed over me of giddy riding high wave crest undulate me so long so woah so ohhh it was seconds I’m serious haha secccconds long uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeewwwww heew hehehehe hehehehehe heeea fuck
Just thinking of the Chinese philosophy book
And I realized a part of Freud that was a little bit right which I say because George was a little bit my father
The man entering the family equation= superego whip society rules, cause you can’t fuck my wife and no one can fuck you
Yo if I got to be like a cultural critic then I could just sort of read all the time and like music and art and poetry and shit and expand my mind as much as I wanted and not worry too much about boring shit which would be really awesome and I’m sure id synthesize some cool ass shit and really fuck with the tradition and it would just be really swell for everyone involved. I’d really shoot for it I promise I’d really shoot for the moon I’d learn so much shit for you all cause I really love you and I really love this cool ass reality and I’m soooo dedicated I just have to promise I guess you only have my word so I understand if you feel this is sanctimonious or even worse cheesy I’m sincerely serious when I swear to you that if you put your faith in me I will do it up I will make you all proud promise to god.
Print all these phone notes out and bricoleur the fuuuuuck out of them
Just wandering around wanting to see anyone, feeling like Walt
Historicize everything
I could just fuck art all day
Actions and perceptions are the only tangible instantiations of a belief or idea. When a force is enacted against other things in this insular world of meaning, they can finitely matter
I believe in you speech
When my consciousness is consumed by certain things at any given moment, that forms the content of my life.
Temporally limited processing power, gotta wait for our computer to chill treat it understandably
All honestly what I did or what I would have done in the finite, whole story true for me. Don’t even agree with some of the views expressed here, but that does not change the fact that that environment has interacted with me.
Blind hell,
But I would still survive and transcend and I was so grateful to Helen and teacher
That brief time when with the Beatles is the best Beatles album
It’s like 12th truest, which is still kinda true
Add up fractions , but that would assume equal distance
Decoct
The horror of human history
The residue from the high water mark wave in Austin on the walls sewers wtcm
Art FOR someone
Dialectical relationship between received info and existing experience
Gotta read as well as live
Discrepancy forces dealing with it, either humility or rejection
The dialectical progression of the book
North ideas, past, infinite, learning, absorbing, growing, running
West acting, daring, failing, feeling, freeing, lusting, art
South synthesis, will to believe, emotionally fully invested in everything I do, returning home, infinite-> finite and finite-> infinite freely, love, meaningful action
synthesis more fiction more free post postmodern action towards future come back to finite Arizona poem
Going home, love, synthesize infinite and finite, act in the real world like it matters, history
Fucking art fucking the world sublimated the whole way back
Christophe Pascal’s wager of other mind
Novelty seeking urge -> urge to preserve novelty, art, Lolita, retreading memories
Novelty thought I had high before falling asleep losing it
OH
Novelty appreciation + sociality = yo this crazy thing happened! Big lizard or something! Tell story
Shared experience allows shared symbol to be created in first place, only once you have enough symbols to bricoleur can you create more and more separated from real shared experience
If everything we have to work with is everything so far, then the tragedy of losing Alexandria/ House of Wisdom
How I wanna be a new kind of celebrity, need new internet interfaces to collect and showcase individuality
Almost kissing Annie, intimacy heads together
Acid reflux lump of cry in my lung
Gonna throw up
Or dry heave my heart out
Double transparent vision the unreality of reality
Body motions separate from stormcloud mind
Girls Short story collection
Postmodern driving around
Max almost bringing us to cumbys but us not
Laughing driving away why would we do that? Same lady’s smile? Hahahaha can’t do that again
jordan peterson, i’ll show you MY masculinity
no i have not yet read 12 rules of life (nor have i at the time of publishing this in it’s. vessel ) but once i read it and love it and can appreciate/critique it i will see you in an honest debate.
i will need some time, if you’ll allow me it. i am naiive but i am not unwise, and you have been blessed with more time this far to sieve the Scriptures. of course if you were to demand a hasty encounter i would be fucking theeeeeeeere hahaha and honestly i would go so hard cause i’d feel so ready to stomp my testicular feet and you knoooooow hoho i can do that right now because i’m young and my antlers are brilliant resilient and ready to fuck at a moment’s notice. but i think the lifeworld would benefit more if you allowed us to take our time and have a fair understanding. you are an intelligent person and i respect you, but you are old my friend and you more than almost anyone should know what that MEANS for your mind for your ego for your narrative for your rivers and ruts. you have to open up and listen to yourself and i will be doing my best to help you do so as a gentlemen and as a comrade. i cannot be your peacemaker without extending peace back to you who is a small beautiful part of me.
peterson
don’t touch me
pale blue eyes on bus
love
it’s ok that love touched me
i just don’t want to keep touching that love
but there is so much love and i appreciate all of it
GIRLS man
girls
girrrrhhlls
hehehe
on the horizon of the life world of we embrace our shadows become one
propriosception
mid writing, going well got swansea figured out scene by
getting high after not getting high in a while
see new things you never saw before and experience things that you thought you knew from your cave and experiencing it novel is like a rainbow through the chink
reexperience old things every thing as if it were new as if you didn’t know as if you were always wrong as if you were happy and exploring and as if there were unlimited new flavors all incredible and sweet and cool , and this will teach you as you wish you were taught.
for it is still the new world
long weird stretch muscles genealogy
biking as kid again new part of me axis straight line focus farther forward different angle different motion different speed but similar input to the old game, mastering it, putting my full unembarrassed weight into fucking pedaling to win
my hips and out with hip
chest because of chest, opposite shoulder axis means expansion to compensate from muscle volume on opposite
i’ve learned to be oh small don’t take up room with your chest and your hips and your big head
but fuck that i’m growing and grown and i’m superman
hill weeeeeee!
also my balls hurt because i’ve been trying to bike normal hip and realizing maybe even my super different testicles and protecting them had to do with the precise way my body grew and adapted?
sunsets are basically the best things we can see fucking orb of ducking life like beautifully filtering and receding at unique angles through our liquid sphere and dazzle us through space
we’re afraid of the dark which is why when we put on helmets to ski or go to sleep in a new place we have to imagine a Self with Us cause otherwise we get scared. but those brave souls forced to explore dark forests with torches when all was wilderness, they were not afraid of the dark because they could not be. there is no reason to be afraid of the dark
i could write an old man novel where i would do whatever al day and watch the sunset every night and enjoy the thoughts of my setting.
but i’ve become like this and like it or not i the author of this book am part of this story now, and it’s GOOD that i fucking am! why come off the ground
and i saw some apricots and i’d never eaten them before but i thought of someone
3rd section essays?
start working on?
have to think more of you have more options more environment in more time expected remembered happening
pick optimal in abundance
time is change
how things tend to flow
chaotic causality ordered
the full field of associations is ___
the swerve could just be shaking my head around, ending up in the water, whaterv
rhythm and beats and how that actually SHRINKS reality time
IT
jazz freeeeeer
beats loops patterns habit canals
It is being able to be ready for the next beat, you have to be able to dance live with the music dancing through life
fair to say that what side we carried baby monkeys on matters. and our backs? to support others
what if i kill my father and reveal it later and the whole story makes sense differently but then no it’s not true of course
but like people want character explanations be meta honest about how obvious this could be but isn’t but like damn this kid hates his dad
an what if i explain how i could hurt him with this book how it would really hurt him
and then i say near end that that stuff about my dad isn’t true and that he is a good person (all people are good) and that i love him
but leave enough clues
what freud and peterson don’t understand
sun god Sol is feminine, ma’at is feminine
my mother is my father as well
and fathers being masculine has been bad for society’s relationship to its superegos
need to think femininely
i would lie for love
love ultimately wouldn’t want me to lie for it
but love gets twisted in this crazy world and only better love can fix it
lie to protect my dad even though people can figure it out
my mom loves my dad
back then i just sublimated the shit out of it and leaped myself to harvard
we have to pay our debts
could we have some forgiveness for our grandparents grandness and their sins? we will pay but they also helped you and we would appreciate the rest of the worlds forgiveness
appeal to pastors to spread my word
i’ll pray in my way for it
shawmut properties
when there is power, sometimes it becomes easier to use that power instead of love to grow
the plurality of our consciousness
what holds together the ourness of ourselves is social in aspect
love, cooperation, division of labor
what our consciousness is at the moment is what the sum of activated neurons at the moment are plus theoretically any neuron capable of being hit by a leap from an activated neuron
euler’s equation
oiling the great spin of grand and unknowable small rotations of reality
mason smith, the trader of goods
everyone needs to be way madder
i wish everyone i talked to talked like this but some they were relatively boring not all tho
i wish people were madder more interesting let’s riff guys cmon like let’s boogie we could be doing wayyy better we could be way more fun
emotional trick self by habit into being truly happy and grateful and loving
if you act then it becomes real
be mad bring it into the real world
believe in the face of the abyss
act like i’m bigger pull my lats back actually engage my coreZ
the massage
he understood
also an actor
playing rhetorical games
i need to let go
breathe out
life is what happens in between breaths
denial about anxiety
talks about self or others but really also means me
breathing is a big part of life how much of our brain does that every day
i shouldn’t have to feel like i’m always Wrong. and always Sorry. and always resist and try to compensate and move another part of my hips or whatever to react automatically against his push. just relax. let him push
but he also left some stuff undone, always gotta leave them wanting mkre
music mozart expanded our consciousnessso much more, aural input reality gets crazy and dance around it in free play process, can play that way with OTHER ideas grows our mental rhythm book of pososbilities
basic tribal beat rhythm, bbisualization of those waves, relates to our religious social collective effervescence
playing smash, adaptations of each character role playing
mahmoud freedom submission as agency
the handmaiden – movie by park chan wooo (tenderly erotic moment, like getting your full makeup done by someone else)
mullholland drive (eerie, beautiful, fever dream)
oldboy (fucked up. beautifully shot.)
kierkegaard love means to presuppose love in others
yoga awareness of body
indian guy telling me indian stuff, not as a token, but just as the actuality of the situation and it’s good that he was more likely to know and knows about the thing deeply so i can learn the truth
but then also mismatch between culture and spokesman is also ok,
samples from the sea are not the whole truth
learning means paradoxically finding answers and reaffirming the absurd mystery
trees
stands to reason we are not using our full potential and therefore not filling out our contours properly and which is probably bad for us that us not climbing trees all the time has made us stronger in some way but also weaker
assume awareness and wing everything
dancing, having confidence to just throw yourself extended into a move with the faith that you can continue off it and return to tonic or be connected to other moves and to the body which grounds it , creating those waves ripples of random and pattern
i’m serious i’m not fucking around i believe in you for real
what memories can i use?
end on i love you?
i read walt whitman in the nightmare day and would have wept if it were not for the smiling staring daylight around me; i breathed with deep emotional emptying, what at night would have been a cry, but was daily a laugh like Stubb and Starbuck at peace.
even beautiful redheads who don’t even have red hair but are still beautiful redheads
sucks like a butterfly stings like you
ok i’m sorry bee
that was cheesy
ugh, so this is poetry? well no
not that i can see
well yes i can see but i
know also that i can’t see, what,
that, yes i’m beginning to see and will keep looking around
what else can we do here
what if i has a grey beard? brilliant
now i wonder what i can procreant, can
urge a word and maybe fuck,
form
yes
oh for you to be so firey and so steamy
you can’t imagine how warm i feel
except you know it better then imagination
warmth fluttering like a butterfly around the slobberiest pearl of human quahog and if that sounds ungraceful then you have no idea
history a series of beautiful errors forwarding truth
and since feeling is first, since i worship feeling, i worship the clitoris, the holy pearl of all feeling
dad doesn’t know
white boys watching videos
epiphany and a secret smile seen only by myself and everything i could see
and by that time i loved the truth too much to sacrifice any small chance at it
Oh
I can do something
strengthen to accommodate
retrain libidinal energies
we need to enjoy each other more and hold each other less
nah a drummer wouldn’t leave his bucket upside down like that
automatic salute to block out light at army memorial
actual first scene of book:
swansea
driving around with squad
driving around with just billy
driving around memories smoking
singing along to music, old favorites, doing loops through same tired beaten paths
that’s the thing about old people. they finally wisen up a bit consequently unlearn a lot of dumb shit then they’re too old to enjoy it
i’ve been sublimating kanye for days
and i knew what kanye knew on dmt but better
biking after chilling with bc kids
i had been embarrassed of my masculinity and concealed it for my girl friends who were the right girls to unleash friend and i hadn’t been STRIDING with my whole body the way a little boy does standing on bike pedals sailing.
argh, indeed there be more decided in the loom, and the shuttle far more feeble against the roaring see filled with unseen deep terrors than the captain will ever permit the sailor to know, only the mates know even glimpses of your terrors, but we’re a mighty shuttle yet and only taking in more mighty water
i’m following my language who i wanna talk to who i long for i throw my ideas at the because i need understanding two ways and the
thank you god is the most powerful phrase to truly accept and ideologiez
gratefulness trained and it’s true we are so lucky and so ungrateful
in the day care area of child gods in a fecund nebula cloud far far away…
wow!!!!!
open up the fucking ball pit already! i wanna play and weve been bickering here for so long and i just wanna move on with it! we can save the world and there is so much brilliance and we have near perfect access to it ALL now or almost all and approaching fast and let’s get on with it!
we need to accept god we just gotta be smart about
myths are all just what happened to people’s dads and moms
Neither is chaos. it is order and love and friendship and understanding and language.
any evironment can give great depth of synthesis if you factor in and dream upon deeper depths. why?
arguments smash reassess
known unknown infinitive
yang yin radiance
we’re behind a lens, and so the light is different. we are the shadows of everything imitating what it implies, and we can ourselves create light, and see things for how they seem ??
we are yin and look at the radiant kingdom we have imagined!
kids, senses, it’s all real
yeah life is ACTUALLY that good !!!
and we’ve just been pretending to be cool when we need to be hot hot hot
would there be any black holes if there was no stars?
education is the only thing that everyone does and everyone loves and everyone hates and it’s the most important thing in the world and we can do it waaaaay better
historicize everything because everything comes from what’s there but we have to be open as possible about it
to love someone is to really want them inside you and sometimes to really want to be inside them
purely and honestly but mutually mouthwateringly
the irish
subverting cultures from below
the old testament was so ducking BORING people neeeded a new story
yo mary and joseph fucked and raised their son in EGYPT and taught him judaism and stuff cause they had subverted and fucked and weren’t married and then they ~liiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeed~ but it’s ok lmao. And you better believe they made sure jesus knew it too, he had to learn his shit. But he did it he was right it’s love. It’s love. It’s all you need left and it’s what you need most. Cause we got this incredibly fucked up brilliant guy who got it right and pulled some crazy shit off and changed that boring ass tradition FOREVER! I’m not as crazy about some of the sequels, but Jesus was so sooo right. not all of the right but a lot of it.
yo i’m sol. just for arguments sake haha. it’s nice to meet you.
doll maker
babbitt
confidence man
jonathan edwards
consequences of pragmatism
blue just the veil between worlds, it’s clean within
the water and the land
eroding and depth carved , difference to limited infinity
but upside down always upside down inside out that’s why hegel needs feurbach and marx to flip it in side out
quantum filling in versus contours of system that you are filling in as the integral but can our spin change things?
spins of electrons
overreact 
need to react in all ways to things
what’s enveloped your mind as of late and won’t let go? what’s shaken you by the shirt screaming crying WHY AM I?? and you empathize with this world that does not know itself because you too do not know yourself
culture
yin
sun
i, listening, stories, thoughts, dreams, italics, learning things, idea history, becoming a full ego, within personal form.
west, sex, drugs, tragedy, danger, chaos, adventure, solving father Dean, deformalization, different narrative forms pronouns, love, existentialism, religions, need for each other
homecoming, synthesis, society, politics, speaking out, sorry, i have a lot to say haha rants (also catalyzed ones in west), understanding tellos, materialism leaving hegel to dissipate, pro action compared to previous reaction, religion, parable, lies, truth
poetry old first thread, then starting with howl my own in west, then learning about cool other poets on way back?? and or more original?
whitman long poem?
wouldn’t it be cool if we had the will to believe that it mattered?
we have to get better at valuing
starting to understand the interconnection of exploratory thinking, the way lines talk to circles and learn about points points that whisper of probabilities and possibilities.
how cities and towns kinda work and what kinds street kennemore street might be
while me was talking to him, i was thinking about george herbert mead
talking with moh about math and wanting to tell him how much he’s a part of god but not having the words yet created behind my lips and only salivation to prove it to someone in me.
saying thank god all the time for everything permanent prayer
humans filling in an environment population equals resources
god is between us
real christian values would be so good for this country right now
first cigarette. strong. imagining salinger and hemingway and all these great men and women of the 20th century and realizing that their brains were coursing addled all the time by this crazy evil drug. and i realized that now i has bitten that apple with them, and that i had bitten it before i’d known but at least now i chose to know… and in a part of me, that dark achey sacrificial light-promising altar for sadist messianic bearing of forgiveness and redemption— that part of me was sadly glad to be smoking the same poisonous residue of my forefathers’ sins.
a love like an unexpectedly broken candy bar half offered with hands and devoted eyes
itasca (truth head) of miss
if the part of our plural consciousness that checks ourselves, that watches what the rest of us does and questions it, if that part is derived from what we think others might think of us, then who is it? why is it? how can we mess with it?
surveillance all the time
my lack of fear of reprimanding, since my dad was wrong and devalued obedience, helped make me who i am
blue like a nighttime bruise on a black body
cemetery’s bodies mixing together in the soil
my actual books
consecrated to truth tomb w jesus
flowers barely budding sniff lame then really get in and smell it
england and america
my dad has all the words but he’s just wrong
and i leave get space abundance grow strong self and am able to start again
story of america coming of age
but also story of me, coming of age in reverse
democracy true experiment the successful experiment all of our voices mixing sharing growing dividing combining overcoming true ideal liberalism except not done ideally
we’ve been sublimating the shit out of all of our inherited sins. must have. how?
dream about midget in monocol and imaginary hitter: aristocracy power
thunder at moh’s
miles and miles and miles and square miles and airplane patchwork’s of subdizdizrd farmland
famining yemen
have to look at girls asses as a person with that a person with that thing god created that nature we think we made everything because everything we interact with we made but we did not
part of drive back from chris’ pov of me
sol kinda is whatever book he just read
part one all my listening / connections are connections to ME and my EGO or national ego!
whereas in part 2 all of my listening is pure appreciative egoless
dead caulfields
that’s my life, i guess. a series of small episodes and relationships and events and experiences and memories that i forget two nights later. but although i forget, it is the fires of those experiences that forged the I that tries to remember, and thus through the forgetter they are remembered
why would i write this if i didn’t REALLY care, deeply and emotionally?
artist, oh what a life that has been given to me to choose!
the great american novel is AMERICA, and it is quite unfinished
something is happening with purple in jakarta
where i would be reading different jean toomer poems but i hadn’t read jean toomer yet.
it is everywhere
i sit in my room
eagle and shadows on two juxtaposed pages wow
freed from temporality, add poems in make them go back and find the line
the relationship between memory and new things!!!
tead
alice i’m grateful to you for
it’s just shoulders and hips, bro
we’re perfect
geometry of reality
fiction northwesthopping trains
that leg side that commitment to action to grabbing something that’s THERE to ride, that leap of faith
i can possibly revisit some deeper keyholes from the chinks in my notes if i make the lock accommodate the key
i just briefly enjoyed fondling my balls while looking at my bookshelf. freud and sontag maybe sang lowly
also stop being your dad sitting there
you can almost always have a way to the Good, but since falling fallible, sometimes we must suffer; however we are allowed to understand our suffering and even to atone. as long as you are living and Understanding, you can keep choosing and maybe even be saved at the end of your story
slouching towards bethlehem horizontal
shithole appalachia
my dad run phone off
memory of week before harvard refusing the old wise man on the at in new hampshire god i swear
only by reading can you participate in all the powers and pleasures and possibilities around us, which are there whether we grasp them or not, and live the present ever more gratefully and excitedly and exploringly.
stephen king hates adverbs.
the separation of he two living learning thinking
oh these guilty dreams of social plenty
this generation must feel so much guilt
a guilty generation because we recognize?
there is no sacred space
-> everywhere is sacred space
->? everywhere is sacred space if we can will it?
paradox means we don’t understand something and maybe can’t? or
talking to those people who maybe didn’t want to
talking with jj austin and colette
having a store of memories to allow to be associated when needed, fluidly, at price of forgetting
we can either say yes or no to ourselves
a rabbling imperfect democracy of the mind votes on yes or no
choice because of potential negation!
negation can be more abstract than follow… how?
it’s either yes dad or no dad
and dad is of course really dad and mom but it’s also mostly dad in a majority of received current experience because of history but anyway it’s laws you know
are we purely predictable computations of reality material neural reality or is there Something More???
what is subjectivity and what is choice?
jj versus austin
i’ve renounced my ego this whole time just so you know
we’re mad high
collette
is there space for small freedom in a determined muchness?
visual consciousness versus audio consciousness
visual impression multiple beauty abstract individuals pulls locks biological focuses but immense freedom in immense perception and immense Beauty (stuff) to play within, room for moreness and focused lessness.
with ideas, more associations spread out, but with aesthetic bias
audio eeeeeeeeeee with time in your ears and you can only take so much before it hurts fast and forever. locked irrevocably to time. different dimension.
maybe elevator music is part of a problem in our world? that would make sense
our minds our social in nature down to the very roots and the trunk is one and the chloroplasts are many
in the cool cold pulling river standing astride time, barefoot
you have to do it when it hits you but you really have to DO it when you can, in the finite choice instance
you have to be HONEST all the way through all levels of your being and/or becoming (sorry) honest to nature and honest to every single human you meet as best you can even while failing occasionally but still must try, virtue has been forgotten and if the “west” is to claim itself it must claim all of its best self honestly including things it has forgotten like i assume christianity. otherwise the whole thing is rotten, and all they own is grotesquely grander rape and murder
but really though the honest triumph with the “west” would be it’s full immersion into the “world”, and the world is democratically more TRUE than the party. always, if the democracy is robust enough. full immersion, assimilation mutually and honestly and well-valued and appreciated as best as possible at the moment and continuing to actively work towards expanding the democracy. that’s the good american story.
running in the street like a fool, hate that i validated those old people stereotypes
music takes that neural track and puts it on a revolver, whereas visual thinking is meditative deep abstract multidimensional full of dazzling dramas and unique phenomena and puzzle and mystery and discovery and thar she blows! THAR SHE BLOOOWS!!!
do you understand?
oh i’m begging you to understand dad.
no but we can’t kill them we have to make them understand and that’s why it’s scary that we have prisons
no we can’t go back to that waterfall there is danger there dad you have to understand my god told me, that experience that vision that Other You!
but he doesn’t
oh i jumped into the river again that was fun, i’m commando
dewey must have seen jane addams and been like DAMN! what a woman!! and that feeling must have in some way driven history, although of course i must add that it is a patriarchal history and i hope (for democracy’s and humanity’s sake) that in the near future we can have a relatively even amount of wow what a man! or even better, and in a slightly different way (although of course all depending on your sexuality) wow, what a woman! from awesome girls being awesome and being inspired to their own genius by their appreciation of wow of someone! and more and more of those someones will finally be girls, more and more and more on top of more!
the difference between democracy and executive power in your head
democracy versus republic
democracy of upvotes?
this whole book is kinda to billy cause i know he’ll geek
the highest moral principle might be ‘more’
climbing blue mountain
blue is even the color of symbolism itself,
the light mediatior between ourselves and the Unknown
but the unknown sea is in fact our fetal source, and the unknown knows us very well indeed
subversion negation adapting to an environment anew using old powers returned to
those non visual images in my mind’s eyes, those moving colors and undrawable diagrams and phantom currents contours contents, time flows, comparisons,
unspeakable even though it is my job to speak them
that deeper level of meaning and thought and consciousness below words
lost, same thing as finding
trick of the light, or really light is always telling the truth, a trick of the mind
we are designed to carry more weight on our backs? why? because we have children to carry
hitching from the adirondacks to albany
got up on wood floor 6 am, gathered self, set off great walk straight through strong, 930 egress, making good time
slow getting rides out of the mountains
stewart’s
masculine asphalt guy who has son and smokes me up, grandfather owned land
guy to glens falls, enormous eyebrows, cool guy, can’t bring me all the way even tho it looks like i won’t make it
guy with crazy sideburns
finally, taxi driver sandwich social security guy who finally made his life happy who lives literally right next to the renesswlaer station and drives like a madman but well and got us there in twenty under gps and i made the bus with minutes to spare
vegan evangelist on the megabus before it leaves, graveyards, leonardo dicaprio, physiological, yes that’s right, repeats self, thanks for taking flyers
whitney american art museum
top floor sparkles of light corse
georgia okeefe brilliance
hopper desertion and truth
burchfield winter twilight hey i know those blues
johns the flags coming at yo
miyatake clipping the barbed wire.
honest account of my life after
mostly underlines, laugh, how much truth there was! how much much much truth and good novelty abounds and grows and flies around and into us
accepting death and actually truly laughing willed it and it was true
talking to dad as i got home
paranoia, us and them, persecution, conspiracy, trying to destroy him
someone took a picture
talking to him about himself as he does the things i talk about
the reading has to be painfully unenjoyable
24+ time’s telling me to be quiet lower my voice i’m listening to you lower your voice i will hear better if you lower your voice paranoia get up to move after push and get back down after “picture”
interspersed vehemence about phones
you have to hate the world when you’re older
angry defensive waving of hands
having these exact talks but he forgets about them every time afterward
when i tell him something actually shittt he did and forgets last night he denies/ gaslights/ narrativices/ rationalizes / externalizes / bullshit
if we had all these teipartite meetings then why didn’t one of you secretaries ever heard of em write down what we talked about is that so hard?
aaron rodgers he’s a baaaaaad man or whatever right?
but see, MYYYY opinion is, my thinking is always pessimistic, i’m negative, and i think two more super bowls at best for brady
what our attention is is what we are in the present, and of course it is all percentages, it feels like and is the real world
a poem to cars
headlights are the opposite of eyes
i have whatever you desire
when walking you must act like you’re leaping through the trees
every great thinker and or doer teaches us how to be crazy, how to have faith in becoming crazy in order to bring closer societal sanity.
seeking types ego
scripts
epictetus, the slave, the beauty broken together by chains! healing the salve of his wrists and most of all the chains of man’s mind
end with christian could be modernist kerouac? from his point of view of my dean gatsby mad hero?
after i inspire the two from drive to tenn.
to be able to help them, is so good, and time with them felt like minutes and a haze of warm feeling inhaled as dusted hours. and that i could help them and give them some of my humanity and feel some of their humanity i am happy i am happy for that wild existence to be my our crazy reality i mean it’s all so fucking FUN! and beautiful and certainly unlikely, enormously unlikely! earth! man! the two of you, faces and dreams! mad world! mad life! thank God, and thank all of Them individually and thank all of them every time you get the chance, because god god god, i love all so so much.
it’s a very fun character, honestly. it makes itself so much more all the time! and i like him very very much, that’s the important thinf
verbs are better and truer than nouns
light as the basis of our reality the most true thing the limit when there is no time, light is space itself somehow,
yang is a ray of light, yin is every possible direction?
once in some cool fisherman village on the coast of china this dude came back who they hadn’t seen in a while and he was like yo i found this fucking PLACE and i swear to god there is craaaazy fishing there and it’s got mountains and it’s cool as fuck we should all fucking GO im so dead ass rn
culturally watching battle royale
menand s life
i’ve been the antithesis of academia for so longbut who knows there’s always a synthesis, right?
the particular must always approach the general HONESTLY
to run a becoming through a form a creation
you can believe in moby dick if you truly believe (and i do) that that one tiny teardrop of Ahab’s in chapter is truly richer with meaning than any other drop in that ocean
there is a truth at the base of all lies
(for nothing is fully anyything)
you can think some crazy things in the woods
individual relation to World unmediated by other worlds
sniffing the orange flower in the subway as an inversion of sunflower sutra
didn’t notice there was another bud shaking out from the stem hidden under the gold!
every time i turn down a tiny alley into some space that seems like it’s packed in way more than you think a tiny space could pack in, every time i think of Providence.
end of the talk with branden outside
trying to reach him love him ultimate honesty
proud of him
but you need to keep leaping
you have to make that hard small choice in the moment when you actually can
i’m not saying definitely no but more considering no
me sad
narrative return
driving past a woman just crying
me looking at a sunset, for me, because i believe in its value. that performance alone is enough to get other people to stop and look where i am casting my gaze. like art.
when there are other stories we don’t have to be our own story. better to be our own story.
telling story of levi, people can’t believe the trust. you’re a christian, right?
solving the problem of value will help us solve all other problems because so many of our differences are valuations
the medium sized rocks venturing over the shore where as a child many an adventure took place and it was a large rock and every boulder was a mountain
fitzgerald’s full life tragedy zelda
manhattan is not a green breast, it’s the goddamn clit you moron, and oh baby, you know that higher deeper part of the clit you understand around the curve not the very tip but a centimeter back along her over her you understand well that’s harlem my boy that wow there oooh baby HAhlem
role playing role switching foundation of social growth and performance
H
thank god for chicken nuggets
journaling as between stuff
phone notes, but looked back on
the self is where we all agree
acknowledge superiority of society but have more love
maybe it is just libido! but even if it is, i STILL have the power and possibly the obligation to learn it and teach it because it is true! it is true!
all the things the good guys say is true!
song of myself, internal oriented,
my character
but what is at the inside? what is the force in me that says yes?
mustn’t it be the insistently knocking arrow of time?
image of large hanging chandelier flat circle lights outward all around circumference facing out, held in place by rigid dark metal spokes radiating statically from hard metal center
yes, there is the evening redness in the west, but what of the healing pinkness in the west in morning? the renewing sunrise every morning in every east, in every rising and waking sol?
the orange glow under the wings of a hovering bird in the morning air
the near-blinding shine of the yet-unseen sun reflected along the scimitar edge of a glassy building of boston seen from week’s bridge
yes, the blood in the sand and the rock is red, oxygenated for good, but what of the blue blood boiling in my veins, ready to aerate evermore air brought in with every breath i breathe, and boil through my arteries with every beat of my heart, which has a billion beats in it yet, and the billions of heart beats in the billions of other beaters yet living, and billions yet to live, and billions yet to beat unbeaten as long as life lives? that blood is all blue, beautiful unbeatable blue, breathtaking breath giving universal invaluable blue blowing and flowing through all the red rock of creation in its unknowable eroding downward tend towards the unseen sea, pouring for good for the source and destiny of freedom.
crazy things i’ve done this term:
walked around harvard on harvard/yale weekend for three hours with a large walking stick from the river, pretended to be Tiresias the blind bigender seer from the Waste Land part 3 and Greek Myth, made friends
wrote three published articles about trees
giggled on the bricks outside of quincy running to nearly every 1030 am class late
had sex while proctor was in our room
had sex with two lesley girls in the same night
ran to lesley to fuck after being awake for 36 hours
pulled at least 8 all-nighters/ many late nights
fucked in widener at 6 pm spontaneously
soul-bonded with a girl named alien
had a brief short-story romance with a 25 year old girl on the (second after missing one) train home for thanksgiving, kissed
jumped off the bridge 3 times
took 6 classes plus an audit
spent roughly 94/108 hours awake in a wednesday-sunday time period through a weekend at princeton
called every single professor by their first name
received 8 paper extensions
defused a dangerous situation between a drunk friend and his new homeless bestie with violent inclinations at 4 am
hid $200 around harvard square; all found within day except tree one lasted 3 weeks
drove through maine and new hampshire just to walk around in the dark woods for a while with christian
made friends with 3 french TF’s smoking cigs outside whitney’s;
charmed 2 french tourists on one of my tours, was invited to hostel, kissed
was the first to climb the tree at boston common red sox celebration; followed by many imitators
read poetry on the subway 3 times
went to an orgy and never nutted
passed out on joe twice
bought at least 3 dozen new books; read few
instigated class warfare against canada geese, possibly leading to mass graffiti by another winthrop resident
lost 3 maybe 4 keys
got a bunch of people at princeton and harvard to start making intense long eye contact experiments
fallen crazy in love at least 6 times
hitchhiked through western mass to saratoga springs, got escorted out by security after trespassing at Yaddo art colony, hitched into the adirondacks, hiked Blue Mountain, ran from a bear, hitched out of the mountains to albany in a crazy last minute clutch adventure featuring weird facial hair, bus to new york, wandered around new york for two days with walt whitman exploring and people-watching, bus back to albany, hitched to vermont with kind vermonters, picked up by tuck and billy, driven home
slid around in my socks a silly amount
got shut down standing up at brain break asking the room loudly their opinions on top 5 humans ever
what does it mean when something has meaning?
what does the meaning tell us about meaning?
connection to God
saccadian rhythms
james red house smash smash childhood imagination like sonia playground, orange light at top of peninsula like inside child soul in past, but must speed on to the future
must confess violence against james
and dad
painting a pretty bad picture of myself
tell that it’s from future? punch? tragedy that i knew truth and still failed to act best
to prove that violence is bad though, here’s what i WOULD have done IF i was a murderer, which of course you are suspecting and are free to continue questioning
now to prove i’m not a serial killer is deff gonna be hard considering my next chapter is about catcher in the rye lmao
but catcher in the rye is about the opposite of killing
mr antonioni loved him
he’s gonna be okay
send tess chapter
in order to live amongst asymmetry aswirl
we must accept the imperfection of the
being able to see the full expansion and resmashion of reality vibrating itself together tearingly
antitheses usually aren’t perfect, they’re all smashing from oblique random angles usually
enlightenment as a history in mediation
60s as culmination of tv * music intimate undercurrent
what can the internet do?
what does history do if you fill the lacuna with the internet?
everyone realizing their interests are aligned faster
21st century history as the baby steps of the internet
american greatness in number of mediations per time period, or just total muchness, early democratic papers passing about, then building rail and tele on massive EMPIRE scale, colonial empire but unseparated by sea HUGE,
(american history as history of european colonizing empire contiguous)
it’s all about mediation since it’s all language and interactions
mediate as a verb, parts of Brahman reintegrating or interacting or smashing or talking or absorbing or changing or growing
whitman as democratic literature, eliot as europeanized (high money culture owned Culture and Capital so he is product of his Contours)
wanting to talk with sonia while with christian
how perfect earth is, extended
when and how kids find out about sex
how did please please me relate to sexual culture in youth?
i think i’m having little heart attack’s every minute
share the prophets share the profit
buell, styren, blake america
rising Appalachia (cheyanne)
notes on consciousness
what is it to be aware of something?
to be prepared to react to any environment you fear is possible
the absurd tragic chaos that was possible in my dad’s drunken gaslit genius forced me to be aware of the potential violence of any truth or believed lie, leading me to adapt in the typically inefficient way of absorbing more and more of the world’s potential pains onto me, not only so that i can dodge their blows, but also so that i can know them because they must be known
and, in truth, an adversity for anyone is an adversity for myself, and if i can take it and negate it and survive and change larger, then i should do do with courage
my running emoji- which was is it facing on her screen? my left her right? what a complex world i have to adapt to and can think about.
the berry paragraph, is true, but also partially true. but adds to my possibilities of truth, my environments to adapt to, and environments can be not only paincausing, but pleasurecausing, pleasure objectified.
prophecy is fruition in faith in pain
to make mistakes and then dig oneself out to the better thing is better than to make the right choice the first chance, for the dirt sticks under your fingernails and grafts itself as your strength
yosemite
yosemite falls
—
in yosemite falls
white water
flying from heaven
like the piss of god
floating, fresh, fast motion
seems slow at scale, change
suspended
in distant silence deafening
stored in snowpack
the holy spirit awakened
in summoning warm;
liquid swarmed,
tore a notch— soars,
roars victorious,
attacks granite forms.
the only norm: the upending
of norms, the unending ending of nouns as before.
birthing life, vulva-shaped
wet splotch spread, wetness
floods from mountain-clit to fertile vessel,
opening to opening,
falls the universal milk
into the universal valley
pure muir
praising abraising blazing blessing
the spring babies illusion of eternal good fortune, the old animals renewed hope
white tourists whining about wifi
wish we could have protected the park from climate change the way we protected it from rapacious capitalists,
wish the snowpack never runs out
i know the father of the sun
her name is dani
he fell off the top
falls into the lower
falls into a pool
white water will
save his life.
he feels he was meant to die there;
miracles only make sense beyond our sense
i am so small,
i can always grow larger
wallace stegner
the moral imagination
the shirley letters gold rush feather river
notes on selfhood
a sign of a well developed self is to be able to look at anything and say “ha, same”
performance trans inc
and i, a droplet, itself a sui generis geometry of droplets
mitogenic radiation
filament
first, there was the flood,
slowly
the observation of others isolates our starlike spin in a
moment.
a noun. there!
mission control cheers!!!!
the thousand eyed light of the present
strikes the wave
and under the wave
all the waves of water-
(
()(
pierces
sees a small
smol smol
sol thing,
glinting.
this?
yes this->
a poem?
hmmmm
what is time but self
killing itself
for itself and beyond
and we love it,
we knowers,
we comers of time! yes yes yes!
IT jack IT! as i jab your ribs!!
i’m practically shitting myself
lmao
when we are laughing with someone, and talking to them, and smelling their bodies from afar, and sharing their molecules, and sometimes oooo sometimes catching them by their beautiful eyes in just a beautiful unique dance pose snapshot of a thousand micro images of the image of God looking at itself in wonder
here, roethke would ruin it a little bit by saying some shit about the sign in front of me across from the couch under the tv the sign that says Here fish, fish…
and a connect four game stand all filled up uncompetitively in large straight rows,
and the globe off to the right with the america’s autocorrected with the americas the true new world not tm woah that all just happened with my consciousness in my thumbs i swear to gods guys this thinking
shit
is
the
tightest
i’m writing all this shit because i had a lot of voices in my head that i was simulating in my mind that had a conversation with me going, not that i was conscious of that i don’t hear voices but i am conscious of my unconsciousness of it, after all to model the person in front of you (and we are IN the droplet that light strikes through the heart of the sun) you have to call up your dances with every other partner you’ve had indirectly and some for various reasons more directly, and even chimeras of horcruxes
the person who i was just talking to outside who i said an awkward goodnight to has walked by me out here in the living room on my phone twice while i’ve been doing this but i’ve been so in the zone and i didn’t make eye contact
kerouac would like that
the bitch
i do some of my best thinking when i deprive myself of oxygen
like when i was a kid,
hey you wanna do a breath holding competition?
underwater
as long as i can
eyes open
sometimes eyes closed
when consciousness closes
and does not feel safe
when it is dying
it tries harder
to exert power,
life powerfully
painfully lifting
a newly believed adversity
this small iphone cyborg jotting in the dark, o glowing rectangle, dry wetly bright and misty white, my shadow thumbs inscribing this stream of consciousness already shrunk to a trickle by the collapsing of the muchness into a memory
i am the son who chose himself
a soul is social
soulcial
a soul is the star as a center of identity gravity
a being in a moment
always a becoming
but from the same burning
we are paths formed by paths that flow everywhere,
flowing here, a pool of paths,
pulled down
gender is a dance
sex is an incipient factor in the emergence of dance, but it is not fully responsible for the emergence (as nothing ever is)
there is also childlikeness, novelty in a purer play, the god of joy amused
driving along tapping finger to beat and to own beat riff off beat, always able to improvise to jump over the signposts
spirit
goes
flows
through
body,
you
pool
soul,
to
grow,
grow,
grow,
to
go
home?
go
song of ourself, but also about self my
the end is always
impending
a woman’s body knows how to run with the baby without shaking it
knows how to carry the gravity at their heart
a man can grab the baby and run if he has to
when love stings, it is precisely the time to exhale and allow in the sting, will moving with way, though the way is painful, and though the sting and stung will more and more cease to exist, they do it for love of creation, God and whole
imagination as inverted process of elimination— what COULD be from this? between this and everything? i, between nothingness and this, imagine up
to filter lens view the blue world in frames in which maybe someday we could do something about it
iq widens the scope of what’s possible to connect and think
but
character is also a factor in what is possible
l
i would pragmatically idealistically and daringly bet that character, genetically, comes from willingness to feel pain, certain prosocial genes, high openness,
and environmentally,
new york
man shaking his head up and down eyes closed, the sensation of movement in his head
man who juked our sign pole that’s what i’m talkin bout we run this shit!
man in blanket
leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone
girl who’s flats are like holding her weight wobbling along the ground
tiny dog who’s body curls into its tail
barclays owns us. innovating building growing empowering transforming what’s next
connecting the world
two asian dudes smoking cigarettes watching across the street two hispanic dudes unloading truck
honestly made and honestly good honest T
guy asked me for money and when said no he was gone instantly
girls who don’t look at me girls who do girls with thick bodies girls with skinny bodies
DKNY pride sign 100% love 100% equality loud proud together 100% me
playwr tavern (light wright)
woman in raincoat and boots with happy birthday bag but it’s not raining
girl with pink sundress and sunglasses and sun hat and flipflops
girl who ran by
cute girl who passed twice
pregnant redhead nice
two people with name tags
millions without name tags
white guy with dirty work jeans and white guy with less dirty work jeans and no cig
little boy dropped his starbucks milky drink and didn’t cry. splotch left for millions.
the smell of mop ten minutes later from a city employee
blonde mom with two daughters who look like her but walk differently.
that one asian businesswoman has been smoking a cig for a long time. longest standing character.
asian man with crutches
talk white men in nice suits walking strongly with earbuds in holding a nice leather briefcase, playing their part, believing it maybe, selling it certainly
a businesswoman i feel like i have seen before, in her face
man with a bucket walking around a crowd of tourists
a couple magenta matching, and a third match behind unrealized
the young woman with the family who looks at me
the old woman who looks at me
who looks at me
cop on a horse fur some fuckin reason
flying sparks stream from construction up overhead
the smell of piss and the smell of mcdonald’s
someone selling mixtapes tryin to shake my hand where you from
t-mobile live love your true self
wherever you walk, you make the ground holy. now im not saying to let that go to your head, but by all means you should let it go to your feet
my dad walks fast even tho others are walking slowly. i hobble along for them
drug addiction as a result of the logic of consumer capitalism
ruben dario
pedagogy of the oppressed
i heart huckabees
blood wedding
no i don’t remember 9/11, and thank god i don’t; everyone who remembers it seems to have gotten dumber
copy paste tweets
writing myself out of my family
layers of new york adventures
some bitch from paris in 1980 when i was in new york yknow
whitman the old senile bum UNDER the brooklyn bridge
one of the first american writers to ever take a psychedelic drug
those two different magical nights on that bridge at the clit of the city
and i understand a little of what It is, and why dean knows about it
let me be clear who was the masculine of me and allen!
i’m like if walt whitman fucked margaret fuller both imagining emerson
it’s the act the act the act, not the actor
sex pistols, music from point of view of parents scandalized, problem in a democracy of messages being received by more than their intended expected understood receiver
self storage
driving in, the outskirts, holy shit we live in a dystopia, all the rectangle identical buildings with the identical small ledges on which you may smoke a cigarette in the gray
the balance between the others speech and your own thoughts while listening closer and further different trains,but what if “yourself” talking is just self, just other people talking in you, commenting on this body?
my forgetting itself as american, seeing things as new and testing again, and laughing while high when remembering that “i” do that, that silly funny thing i do that makes things so exciting in the moment, exciting to life loving living through me
meta remembering is remembering remembering
paragraphs ought to be in dialogue
“mod”ern, means adapting to the new, modding, moderating, modifying, modulating, modernity is always now as we adapt to the every changing world, our mistake was to enshrine the time that our artistic world realized this as a set time called “modernity” which is antithetical to the purpose of the word. thus, the fallacy of “post”modernity
water you doing? an app
tell people this is about guillotining old people so theyactually read it
moonlight reminds cool water of the warm love of the sun
there are three places Eye can look from darkness
the world we know
our feet
and the stars
movie previews disney plugs everything
identities
forward pixar moms with kids
we should assume disney believes everything it sells itself
getting water before ads
there is always a perspective through which you can see the sun around the head of someone else
all paths run through you
people extending through time and space all around you all the time all these stars so intensely close together burning
stereotypes as seeing part as whole, rather than coming to part with closer larger wholes of which it is part closer in mind
you could tell a whole history of america as the story of the hands of new york construction workers
9/11 felt like a near miss of genital mutilation
alisons outside key is blue inside key is orange
there was a monumental moment in history marking a massive force that had flown for generations
that moment was the moment that the centroid of global capital power became closer to new york than to london
and invisible line in the ocean opened between pangaea, crossed irrevocably
and the investors roared and poured
what percent of “america” is “new york city?” maybe 10!!
for alison
the texture of conscious experience
you know what i mean?
so i’m on the roof and this truck passes by and it’s huge and in little red font it says ROADSHOW
for when you need to take your show on the road
and i was like !! beeeeep lol
and i read it out loud as it passed and then laughed really loudly and authentically and alone and joyful
and then i thought about it and about telling you about it
and then ANOTHER truck passed and it was a brother and i said
“for when you need to take your shooww on the roooooad” geeeeeked
then there was a different bigger truck later like a giant transformer and i imagined action movie running down the road at it then across the big purple hood and then up the higher hood over him then onto the truck then run run run jump onto a car below but then i thought about how irl i would like for sure best case hit the trunk of the car and fuck up a leg and then like fall on the ground like owwwww super injured and fucked lmao but then also like imagine also irl if like any one semi cool action movie like thing actually happened like i landed on the car and jumped off and rolled and was like okay i would be like WHAAAAAAT LMAO DID YOU SEE THAT whattttt ahahahahahahaha
and then i thought
there’s something about language that approaches infinity
the faith that this dialogue always gets muchier as the universe gets muchier
that by writing this down and talking to you i can help integrate the infinite were growing together
oregon
what if you could be a wave and remember yourself after you crash and change and flood and ebb and sink your way back to the cool cold hot center of the ocean
all value circle and value for value fingers circles twist on itself, it’s all in the twist
hitchhiking with
it’s not always darkest before the dawn, but it is coldest
jay yale divinity tells us not to give a fuck what anybody says and to live our lives
whitman chanting rallying for every county in the perpetual modern
selfishness extends into moloch
if i don’t someone else doesn’t build a train track right near this beautiful shit, someone else will
idaho border
a small hole for s train to go through a mountain
wth the tracks all pulled up
bodie
onion country usa
idaho
environmentalists, YOU own this!
get the us out of the un
don’t tread on me
wants someone to share with
i am like jesus, taking from everyone
more likely to crash with rain and beer and history, but i know that if i was him i could handle this safely, by i don’t know if he will, but maybe i can bring ot the me in him
justin nice wet open eyes purple picked me up after lava incident, atreyu tattoo for never ending story daughters name, was once picked up on way to north carolina by a guy who just robbed a bank, held a gun on him, saved by the cops, later picked up by famous bounty hunters mother
mom died, went to orphanage, where the evil lady beat the kids, until one day she killed a seven year old with a broken broomstick, fifteen years jail, then he was adopted by family with son identical birthday got along well saved him
pete and doreen
just 7th married
song of the bird
old faithful
faith that it will blow within twenty minutes, no checking watch, no recording, sitting near some amish or something
the preludes
the two minutes of geyser pure white steam wet steam with soft fallings dripping
no peak, long peak
the drainage toward me under the bridge below me, the slow filling in of a dry damp path from hours ago rewetted slowly
people clapping at the end
i wonder if that’s a good thing
something would have applauded
nature is always grateful for itself
roethke how to write like somebody else
life among the paiutes
2020
on the big open beach
the stars, the stories, true belief (unfamiliar to us now), the cognitive i benefit of the shift to humanlike gods (rather than like animal shapes), what was lost?
there’s that feeling of identification we can do with stars, with gods
every source of light is always pointing directly at you
what would it be like to see me from there? from there? how bout there?
to be observed from everywhere you observe
hence the urge to believe in a beneficent god
and there truly is always a beneficent god watching you, and it is your own spirit watching yourself
i wanna see it poem
phano poeia
to see a piece of the possible is privilege
selfnessness that sticks to everything i touch see and love all the same
i can’t gelp it that redheads are part of my story
i’m in the state of hope
and im moving
and the state of hope is still in me
there is a sequoia at roger williams
Nothing is SO funny
we’re way more human than we think
nature is polytheistic, for us seen through the language lens of monotheism
a laugh letter (phoneme)
how it feels to be a fucking human being
bipolar is what happens when people get depressed and are brave enough to kill themselves and instead create meaning stories to stay alive and create values
how tv enfeebled america— a history of media consciousness
capital and image
images are ephemeral idols
democracy is an invention of language
the soft infinite enough blue limning the horizon of kansas sky
first and third person, both
first line
“I, first, need to be real with you— i’ve honestly never written a novel before.”
three different swanseas
Sally Sal some people call me sav some saff
vulnerable in the bus driving across he country female road narratives
can you foreshadow your way into schizophrenia?
can you mania meaning prophetic dialogue your way into schizophrenia?
e pluribus unam
all for one and one for all!
democracy should be done through words online
kansas is a beautiful state. it’s half blue
historical fiction
it is when we imagine ourselves we in a story that we begin to see the story around us
capitalism as i is nowmeans stealing
from future people
the victory or eclipse of american capitalism over american democracy
feelings that all humans share through time
bridge. the gulfs in consciousness between us
poetry is a way to make our feelings more immorally communicable
#americadreaming
you have to carry the bus as it varies you
democracy and psychedelics
drmocamtacu wan christianity
jesus is a main observer/director or thevsnerufwh story
found drama we are joi and dfw and the lens and hal is the hero and he is alive
new york
with alison, dont hang out with myself tell myself to meet blaze an old buddy of mine from the roar, cause i love alison more than i love my old self, cause when you love someone they become so deeply part of you and you are so much muchier for it and you nevercoudk imagine going back to bed or because they will be w part of you you love you flime life
lucille.
language is to catch echoes in amber
james’s indiana mockingbird making machine gun noises imitating his bideongames
all the yellow flowers in indiana
i be livin what i believe
the human snowball
tom robbins from albany crowley
irony as what’s seen versus what’s said, originates in the first black alphabets drilled into subjects’ heads, literal magic, magician scribes casting magic through the eyes and ears and mind and mold of the receiver and believer
truth is tough to touch
one of the most useful and true narratives of the human race is the story of women
eileen myles
if you have a male body, you must inescapably possess and repress the power of rape
light is a dangerous metaphor to use- a poem
i do not long for the void at the heart of form
i long for the ecstasy at the edges of form
to learn to distrust the illusion of our senses and believe in the points within spheres that all that moves really is, towards centers and growing Aperipheries
to see reality as math, not as calculation, but as curves of muchness in growing directions
self is the seed
loving one person a lot is more than enough to make it worth it to fake it till you make it with a group
boston spirals and sprawls along the charles
metaphysics of touch
ontology of touch
epistemology of touch
phenomenology of touch
pragmatic
everything touches
the human modalities of knowing they world— touch THEN vision, western philosophers have relied too much on vision modality first but it’s touch first. the journey of one day touching everything we can see
i think there fore i am?
no
your neurons touch
your skin contacts the world
the cell has a membrane
we know the reality of touch and we can start from there
what can my mind touch?
the distance between you and god is closer than the distance between yourself and your own heart, your blood and your skin, your lungs and the air, one neuron touching the next across the tiniest gaps of god
to touch myself
to rub my nipples and my hips and my ass and my back
to press myself firmly in every way i can
pushing toward hurt away
no retributive violence could ever reach “justice” because of becoming— the committer of a crime is always changing and is less and less what did the crime. you too are always changing, and the crime becomes less and less of you— although the source of tragedy is that the crime tends to stick deeper, wider, and longer in the victim than the perpetrator. we are perpetual victims of the past, and the pain pushes out to be revenged. and better it be brought down on those closest to the perpetration, the “perpetrators” themselves, and put to potentially preventative purposes, than brought out in the many sadomasochistic sublimations normalized in our society. but you will never, ever, be able to commit enough justly retributive violence to fully recover what was taken from you. it is already, at first blood, slipping forever out of reach. rage against those who have done us violence, yes— it is human and valuable and could prevent future violence. but do not let it be an end in itself— violence for peace too easily forgets itself and falls into violence for violence. violence must always wish to reduce itself. we must remember that we will never, ever, be able to justly hurt them as much as they’ve already hurt us. better to be with the pain and forgive and breathe, with the true faith that there is something generative about life, there is something growing and light in the universe, and it’s growth is so much more than enough to heal and overflow any evil or privation or wound with just a little time growing. we will never be whole through justice. maybe it’s worth believing that we will be with mercy.
past only pain and pleasure,
future, just faith or fear?
we feel, therefore, we are with—
one present, all treasure!—
and now, now becomes here
i’m here
/who’s there?/
dad, i’m here with you
what is fact, what is forgotten, and what is fiction?
maybe fiction is a reconstruing from our story so far, to tell ourselves fruitfully from where we might be from
there’s a tactility to the timelessness of a knot
driving around swansea
telling it honestly
pre owned empire free credit! collision & service center
stuff where capital is assumedly generated
everything is symbolic because that’s how symbolism works, by virtue if everything’s interconnection with everything else
stone craft stone unlit but if i had my way it would be opposite
i don’t know, it’s just where i know, yaknow?
this room is really cold in the winter. faker walls.
to southerners, i can’t explain how present winter always is to northerners.
when you just keep walking
it becomes like big two hearted river
atlantic elevator south before seekonk speedway
pioneer heavy parts tools
dreams in yin
poetry is a gift from the future
meeting me in midwest
meeting smarter people
to be honest, im usually good at forgetting that i’m the smartest person in the room.i forget that i’m
alex helping me meet people in later parts
tell story from future of when i was in x
not knowing shakespeare contra bloom
femme fatale
the poets cry for more
honestly i’m really good at forgetting things so you should take that into account as you judge whether you should trust me
can i jam out to car radio in car with stranger? be myself as i have a desire to be? are there limits to that?
turning radio off driving in silence
poem: a prayer for getting high
thinking about all of the things that have molded us
history as what everyone did all day, proportion of time/energy/attention/goal engagement
how certain technologies molded us without our realizing
quicksilver poem
being honest about how freud is true
hegel
dialectics from points of view
it’s all points of view
difference between first and third prrson
meaning is what moves (the little periwinkles in the green wet dark)
to catch something in the act of moving
to know to leap in the dark
there is a difference between ceasing to move in a felt fruitless direction for the time being, and foreclosing the possibility of motion in that (always changing relative) direction
so too with gender
i need to finish becoming a man, but also need to not lie to the woman part of me, to be honest to her and become her in time (them autocorrect)
high
billy joel’s an innocent man picture above me
sociality
the thousand eyed present
beats Know Time
the power of now?
irish catholic american feel john mulaney
the great Other
bastards between me and it
back now for a year
in my dad’s bed
ran through a tally of old friends today deep back into my consciousness all male groups and main individuals were invoked and challenged
what if i had chosen james over steven?
i wouldn’t have climbed a mountain
me running across the log feeling like a tomboy
come onnnnmm boys
secretly
hehe
swansea is the place i keep returning to
oh, the joy to be a pebble
high early in a mountain stream
oh, the joy to be of this zooming generation to spawn yet faster and wider generations
if we zoom we can make it
zoom in zoom out
to take the name of what’s given you despite all my attempts to rename it
precisely the problem in america today is the gaping hole obscured by the shadow of the story of the american dream
why do i have these thoughts? why do i process the discussion of the universe? for love of whom? wisdom?
and wisdom is approached by the universality approached by amassed perspectives
history of what people do in america
people gamble and drink because that’s what they think their friends want them to do whether their bodies are there or not
menand 60s new yorker article
to be all the greek philosophers at once
form is beautiful because it works
because it flows along the grooves of the rock of reality,
the space between columns
and the columns are
sutures and t
dad’s drugs
alcohol
clonazepam do not take with alcohol
zolpidem avoid very serious interactions can occur
venlafaxine
trazodone
one of the hardest things to do is slowly come to the realization that maybe i’ve been doing bad for a long time
nihilism as a result of a the nagging suspicion that you are acting society playing shitty games and oppressing people
we are within spheres and spheres and spheres in so many more dimensions than we can hold together in thought. but we are not in the center of any of them. power
sol sold
one of the hardest parts of talking to dad is when you realize that despite the fact that you’re trying to tell him something important like everyone loves you and criticism he needs to hear, he finds excuses to not mentally absorb the listening. quiet down. not right now. don’t you know anything about talking to people? i don’t wanna hear it. another time. never.
still hung up on her not renewing the vows years ago, on fear, never once communicated about it with loving faith, held the kernel of fear
because we can’t see our eyes very well right right right
we have to teach america how to be young again
we have to kill fox news
we have to lay groundwork for christian revival
where did the early capital come from in america? europe
capitalism is our most direct inheritance. sure here it was wilder and western but the west too is now under a concrete net
standing in my spot on the rock looking in at dad passed out on the couch with wine and loud background foreground football and his lips are sometimes moving muttering to himself, the old guard of intellectual conservatism totally lost to the world, sad, trying and failing to cope with the idea that his loved ones hate him, and can’t figure out why, even when they tell him, can’t accept that he is the bad guy and not just a scapegoat, and his pain and fear are turned automatically to masculine anger, excessive unfair destructive anger, and makes us hate him, and makes his own destruction
but then i can turn around,
back to human noise
face to nature,
and through the medium—
boundary to another world—
look up
past the wire
over the shadow trees
into immenser air than
imagination,
into infinite darkness—
deep dark alighted into
indigo color of space
around small lights-
the moon is an enormous waning gibbous
and rushing past it
the clouds
the soup incident
wait 5 minutes
projection onto his email partner drunk or crazy
anger anger anger
getting in my face says reverse happened
says i’m provoking etc
acts out the thing he thinks i’m doing, actually doing it to me
it was fine a few years ago! i don’t drink more ow than then! but all of a sudden it’s. a big problem! because of the car. the pressure you put on me.
you’re so full of hate and fear and anger
i wasn’t until you came along
oh you know the noun? meritocrscy
academia is like a tube that sucks your brains and makes it tall but narrow
when home became houses, when adam and eve covered themselves, when mimetic desire broke down the potential for orgies, when we built walls around my hearth to keep my stuff inside and then kut
language power paths
freedom is implied between paths
valspire family
on our street if you look down it’s water if you look up it’s trees
the locked door of my house thats one piece of wood the secret door too high to check that it really doesn’t open even tho it doesn’t have a hinge, right where you can’t see it
similar in my child environment mind to the secret path, now demolished
the one place of wildness the known unknown billy’s neverland then a place to explore and play on the loop and then as a late teen a place to walk in and be a child again on that perfectly surprised known secret path and walk out again a man again
the secret path being demolished by the new woman where kids love to play
oh you know at christmas the kids like to put decorations there
oh well they can decorate their own lawns
all we can experience is adapting or executing
in to out and out to in
the birth of the author
the author is always a character and a little bit in every character
it’s god
it’s me
it’s you
you are god
you are the authority reading now
observing
you are watching me
the watcher
watching
what
i watched
happening
lying in the grass zoning out pale blue above my nose curve merged into a double helix swirling around itself into the center the dna spiral literally spiraling into reality one eye the other oscillating dominance back and forth so fast it just looks like a vortex and i am unfocused for Time Now a long one a grateful one and then i focus and look up over the back of my head and there’s green growth everywhere
sitting on the picnic table on the porch i can see through the one tiny keyhole opening down the porch
what’s a word for plugging a hose with your thumb?
44 in open
31 closed
66.5 long
29 in tall
the ocean is, in imagination, infinite, for us, final
canceled autopsy
i mean it when i say that the author is alive— they really are
the courage of americans
forged fiery in the cold valley they were given
the state of hope is greater hope
New york corona
shopping- capitalism is designed to convince us of the existence of the greatest amount of ownable diversity as possible with as
walt whitman
he was here on the roof looking 6 and kind of 7 8 blocks up second avenue and wow ten crosswalks down and then up the slope of the island rationalized and planned and plowed and yet still unable to repress the curves of nature’s island land like the land all over america, even though here we’ve even mastered the underground.
remembering myself in pablo with the love poems i give my girlfriend
they had had many names, they had a new name now
the clapping outside
the girl
alison and i
because, you know, yes. because yes! because if you get a taste for how good a good yes can taste in colors you’ve never tasted you realize that if you yell as many yeses at you can at the world you’ll be wow’d to feel how many wild yeses come back
walt’s been smoking weed since it was mexican-american, man. walt would be better described as american-mexican (lead into pablo)
at kenneth’s
weed and my first nitrous
looking at one place behind my eyelids in the bright colorful moving darkness, sleeping and slowing down, versus partial reawakening into darkness of REM
dreams as fear and hope
dreams as the combination of known possible projecting into unknown possible
imagination of what could be
evolved for the purpose of simulating novel interior environments to adapt to— excess adaptaion makes us better prepared for future, have more stock experiences to react with and create with through the alchemy of integrated experience.
dreams are made of terror and desire,
dreams are made of fear and hope
american dreams include american nightmares
we dream not only because we fear death in the future and want to survive, but also because we hope more in the future
what dreams are to the individual, art is to society
the invisibles
what if i picked myself up as different ages, then i can tell story with spinal character smol picked up by everyone else, eden and aidan and sally and lucy and everyone can have their says, recount their own hitchhiking stories and theo and josh shoe and shiva and david delate and isaiah and knife and liam and corona and blue and blaze
Bus specs
workable space (back of driver to exit door) 28 ft (336 in)
width 88 inches (7.33 ft)
207.2 sq ft
heater line— 4 in wide from left side of bus, 2 in tall, length of bus minus 64 in
heaters 10.75 inches long 9.5 in high 26 in wide (30 with heater line)
front heater starts 100 in from front
back heater starts 64 in from back
back window starts 30 in from ground
wheel wells 40 in long 8 in tall and 24 in wide (from both walls) starts 108 in from back of bus
from front to back of second seat (60 in)
red couch 80 by 35 in
ceiling peak 75 curves up from edge 65
seats 40 by 18
back planks 23 3/4 by 11 3/8
8889883766
x
ha etc
bus to do!!!
determine if bleach worked/mold is dead
— if not, finish the job
are the bits of mop stuck to the wood a problem?
scrape out gunk in edge’s around wheel wells
sweep
take out back two corner floorboards and replace with new boards from home depot with measurements taken (how tf do we take these out?) (back planks 23 3/4 by 11 3/8, with one rounded corner for bus back corner)
rust remover jelly on all rusty spots
buy rust prevention stuff and apply to all problem areas like back corners and corners around wheel wells (not at home depot… lowe’s?)
plug all holes with great stuff insulation spray
buy one or two more quarts of spar urethane (green)
buy more bondo rotted wood restorer and buy more wood filler if need be
after mold is definitely dead, and bus floor is scrubbed/swept clean, we do coats of the bondo rotted wood restorer, then fill in with the wood filler, then 3 coats of the spar urethane 4 hours apart (hopefully we do this friday)
- i’m starting to be unsure about the prospect of power washing… it’s less dirty than we thought, the main problem is those ridges on the walls, idk if it’s worth the water risk of power washing…maybe saturday we will first try scrubbing hard with water sponges scrapers and cleaning supplies first, then if that is insufficient we can power wash and it’ll be a very hot sunny weekend to dry and we can use fan or heater if need be hvtitacjj ukiki
cu ts i freebsd
fr
oil change
need oil pan that can hold 18 quarts
s3786 oil filter
18 new t4 shell rotella oil quarts 15w40
i’m the walking fucking text
the geist impregnated me when i was young and vulnerable
and i will birth an early stillborn weak
and strong
i don’t just want to be queer
i want to be queer with you
blake and cole get out. the car to get the beers, me and chris in the backseat, i bring up going to join them he says if you want and i say you know “i don’t want to be wanted and not be there” and he repeats it back to me in my shirt as we go into the garage unwanted
bus to do
need to clear out—
lame wood linda furniture
linda brown mattress
spare plywood
insulation
rubber
metal
some flooring
bus seats
basketball hoop
to do today—
get upX
salvation armyX
scrapyardX
get couchX
clean out, sweep shed X
trash/recycling?
floor plans
std test
medication
look into missing title process
clean room!
help dad assumedly
figure out weekend/alison plans
call church
bus to do
find & fix leak
fix broken wall
reseal windows
treat wheel wells& other weak points
cover exposed insulation
build wheel well boxes
fix floorboards
clean out front area
clean out dirt and dust
clean out cracks & recaulk
paint roof white (elastomeric?)
locks
fix heater leak
FLOOR PLAN
wall insulation
ceiling insulation
wall covering
ceiling covering?
windows plan & covering
passenger seat
insurance
propane heating
electrical system (power usage calculation, battery, wiring, plugs, alternator, solar)
bed frame
storage needs (clothes, food related, books, misc)
work desk
get a mechanic to check it
grease gun?
spare tire storage
water tank?
wall and ceiling insulation
walls 30 in by 336 in times 2
ceiling 374 by curved 110?
solar panels 50 3/4” by 39”
55.5 between horizontal ribs
22.5 and 34.5 from center to vertical ribs
26
hypothetically
drive to la with billy— two weeks— january
build skoolie at skooliepalooza— end of january, all february— make friends with experienced people, create skoolie library, build bus as much as possible to prepare for summer, raise money as i build
drive home— march
home— march, april— work and mini adventures and alison and home stuff
end of april— leave for alaska
may— drive northwest
june— alaska
july— alaska till leave down pacific coast towards seattle
pick up baby in seattle when her job ends in july
pacific coast highway with baby— july through august
end of august— burning man
after—?
715 ninth avenue
bus to do before we go
pack
electrical
delete scrape and paint (mattress out)
install seat
insurance
covid test
clean room
address all mail
call everyone
see swansea goodbyes
bus mechanical inspection with allen
fuel filter replacement
call 5086781271
building furniture
bedframe
storage
do i need wall frames for storage?
bus heater remove $25
bedframe $50
bedframe storage compartments $30
diesel heater $25
undercarriage storage $100
wall framing $20
ceiling framing $20
bookshelves $50
writing desk $30
walls and ceiling $150
why ts eliot is a bitch
christlight penetrates
my body can bear poem
lawrence county treasurers office for vehicle registrations and plates 6055781862
insurance susan bacon 6057377865
box 2x2s
8.5 inches high x6 x2
wheel well top cover- left 23.5-23.25 by 45 3/8 short
right 22 7/8-23 3/8 by
45 1/4 short
45.5 by 23..25 (back) to 23.75 (front)
from right
23.5 and 25
from left
1.5 and 3
28.5 and 30
birch plywood
truck bed liner x3
blue rust oleum
rust oleum self etching primer
continuous hinges (nickel)
flex seal in a can roll on
locker
24 3/16 tall by 12 1/8 wide times 4
36 1/2 wide (plus half inch each side — 37 1/2) bud by 12 1/8 time’s 2
crossed at the mississippi
the self dies crossing the ledge of the known
reborn bigger on the other side of the mississippi
a fire sustained and growing as we add different materials to survive an essence
little sticks feeding fire feeding sticks fire fire feeding big sticks feeding big fire
the stars get clearer
i would like to say the word astonish more in all forms
my body is weak but i have a ways to go
i went to bed last night by the river edge and truly thought i would be murdered in the night
it makes sense that i would fear death at the edge of the east
before i cross
the river
democracy demands democratic literature
something you could call the american spirit, a human spirit that has been on this continent for 20,000 years, demands democratic literature
the new world that the tribes spread over multiplying in endless diversity in eden
killed in paradise by the sewage of the streets of the old world they had walked so freely from before birth
old germs have conquered the world with old code
the most effective superorganisms on earth
from the wasteland
to see a blue havasu sea river
the lake unpolluted
cleaned of all the lead and
not because it never happened
but because we put effort into becoming
better
the blue horizon
the blue meridian of our dreams
grown and seen again
the open future
we can walk
towards
dear america
do you regret
call me old fashioned, childish,
but the more i awaken to the smallness and failures of shared pasts
the more i dream to dream bigger
Desert
the dream is in the american desert
carrying water,
sun-headed viewing brightly
the red rock reenchanted by the blue of distance
to see sedona in the daytime
jorrie watching his own story in the alaskan waters
becoming god
majesty
the cycle of our
drama of our mind
goes thus:
the play
the viewer
the writer
the actor—
this our acting—
our drama of mind
oh great weaving
cloth,
i am a willing thread
Shrubs left over receding colorado wake
pitiful prayers left by prayers once fulfilled
the crescent new moon returning, the mist, the cloud another gray ridge, the drizzle darkening the tan to red and sweat
the wind lifting every step
to explain the mysteries of the stars
to convey dreams beyond gestures
poetry became us
to touch all worlds at once i need
only speak silence
we rogue heirs of water
drying the desert deeper
desiccating what already was
i am addicted to suffering for others
the man in the moon is shadow i cast
facing it face to face
standing against the same gravity
perpendicular, grounded, standing tall
looking the moon in the eye yourself
you look like nico
everyone looks a little more similar in the darkness buddy
we all melt into the face of night
i am like a bird
not in that i like flight or freedom
but because i think that if i make enough beautiful things you will love me again
terence mckenna novelty
buffalo double big red
buffalo single
double hamburger maximum vegetables mushrooms?
desert water
the promised land
we have been distracted, let us return to the central flow
grand canyon
what are we seeing?
what are we not seeing?
what are we seeing that we are not seeing?
what are we not seeing that we are seeing?
and what, oh god,
are we not seeing that we are not seeing?
we are a culture obsessed with pictures of the grand canyon,
rather than it’s movement in poetry
the promised land is wherever you believe
your feet touch holy ground
and here?
now?
always
away from the sun
you can still see her, small and bright in the distance
the comet
flying away and coming back
water frozen burning beautiful the closer i get
i will go where i am called
when i go away and collect more to burn towards her,
to make the world around her beautiful
i knife the edge of the known—
where possible—
a living scab of existence, my bloody growing
body glowing as the extremest verge becoming
cooling lava identifies:
hot rocks, hot pockets, eyes, a thing
changing less,
becoming more slowly
heat releasing sighs
the sun rise over the divide…
follow the colorado back to its source
over gore canyon soars a bald eagle,
free—
more than perfect
who am i essay
9705312417
vibrating at the very verge
of revelation
@mayaawilson
@jgale99_
@marycalabroo
north on 9
keep eye out for right hand side — speed limit sign 45 with speed indicator
blue river campground sign — RIGHT hand side — make IMMEDIATE left onto unnamed gravel road.
you will now see the old gypsy caravan and parking area
keep going onto windy dirt road, pass guys farm, continue for a good while, you will see it steeply incline. it will incline for about half a mile
then make an abrupt LEFT when you see a sign on the RIGHT hand side that says MOOSE RIVER or at least the word MOOSE. make that left and continue SLOWLY do be warned it is extremely bumpy— find a designated spot
moby dick fighting the ancient thing
the deepest darkest depths are ourselves
the depths of the human psyche like the oceans— we know more about space. the turn from philosophy to psychology
for worse and for better, Spirit sped faster in america, wherewhen the two people who had walked the farthest apart from home came together
is heat first in fire? or is first light?
the first time the fire flickers to coals
the knowledge of death, the gratitude for last life
antique desk: 60 in wide 22 in deep
38 in tall (20 in legs)
lil desk
46.5 in wide 19 in deep
30 in tall
24 in indent
you stir and i respond…
to press upon you tenderly my love,
to bless life and growth like breath on fire,
to wash my hands over you with so exactly the pressure of god,
as i would want the hands of creation to wash over me, and put me to sleep…
you stir and i respond…
flying along the pacific highway back the way we came
i am not merely the passenger and i am not merely the driver
i am no noun
i am simply stitching along this seam
between the land of all i’ve known
and a sea of possibility
i want the wanting
the desert of the real
pnw
poems are prayers collection
sol, will, blaze— adventure after fresh, soph, junior years, join together on a bench by the charles in fictional harvard senior year
the virus is capital
america could blow the whole world up at any time. and instead of following its spirit when that power came, they just used it to spread their fucking noun virus everywhere.
here have some of our many fine nouns. now you are addicted and owe us, give us more of your nouns.
english is a merchant language
english is a pirate language
lighting knob
the symmetry that an assumed asymmetry perceived implies
every beautiful crookedness is proof of perfection
the turquoise of the lake of the skagit of the glaciers
how is such a blue green?
it is either or and
the mixed reflection of thin high blue sky and sun and gorgeous every evergreen green mountains around as high as possible around the greenblue lake man made of the glacier, mere man made reflection of god here high over the cascades
or and
the essence of the glacier is blue and the glacier melts truth and it is a light deep pure true blue of the spirit’s thinness, as if the true destiny of white were light blue….
and and its essence is to mix reflections of itself and of its sun and everything in between…. and essences cannot be touched but they are real and they do shine….
and the river simply is
the river simply is
Dungeness was created and continues to be changed by the action of wind and water on these glacial sentiments
thanks, driftwood, for holding it down
the goldwater once at the horizon
has reached across the ocean towards us
the wind and the spit
of the ocean
more mountains westeard
the snail trail of the self
the shadows of the valleys folding into the sameness of night
5412657448
when the moon is bursting half
and the dusk is mauve above tahoe crashing dark blue,
sitting with you
something about the blue in orange and orange in blue
john mcphee coming into the country
search strategies
places people internet presence
cheap zoom therapist- intelligent
recognizer— harvard pilgrim?
therapist for top colleges? my mom connections?
body work master free/apprentice
other former apprentices
america, india
somewhere between yoga and physical therapy
i want them to touch me to really figure out my individual body and it’s tensions
cornel west, assistants, harvard
recognizer— stephen TA from american democracy class
fellow american philosophy/literature/poetry young people
top universities, associated with big american names
recognizer— english, phil, american studies departments at top universities
who were harold bloom’s last great students?- recognizer— his assistants, could get via department
(could i assemble an elite american culture squad?)
person willing to fund me writing
recognizer-someone who has been funded
visible-
—-modeling the kind of person who would be able to recognize the person you’re looking for— one degree of separation removed, more candidates
— how will they render themselves visible online?
— search strategy for a 2 hour search project
find waldo sitter
clean bus
dump dirty water
fill water jugs
buy extra oil and coolant
drive to burning man
subscribers.until.riots
strings.delayed.blubber
(magik) juan-manuel
@illuminatifire
dust poet
Kyana Van Houten
619-677-7019
@kyanavanhouten
honey pot
indiana jones
Chris Walker
240-997-8675
@polytropestuff
honey pot
2816390485 zooka marion
@foundnow
camp out
finish democracy essay
finish climate piece
donate donated food
sell chair, stand
vet
doctor
social media comeback (after essay done)
cougar?
work on budgeting and money stuff
insurance?
plan remaining bus build goals for 2021
-diesel heater
-finish poetry
-plan ceiling build costs
-kitchen remodel
i mourn the self
which is always losing
parts which made it feel whole
harvey west
the minute i am born i begin dying
my spirits being torn what comes outs flying
these masks that i have worn are cotton crying
the minds that i adorn won’t stop trying
pouring the beef n veggies soup two cans
will be two bowls
and i realize the floatier things will be more represented in bowl one
and thicker things like the square white potatoes will be more represented in bowl two
and my first instinct makes a top and a bottom and a choice,
an invitation to value
along my habits of value
and i feel bad for the poor dreg potatoes
and for myself a bowl from now eating them.
and i have the urge to make the bowls as diverse as possible
and take a lot of time and effort to scoop potatoes and the like into bowl one. but then i realized that it would make the two different bowls i would experience the same, and to act thus
would destroy diversity, not create it,
for me, the referential soup taster.
there is no hierarchy outside of my tastebuds, bowl one will be well and bowl two will be well, and i will be all the more well for them both separately, together in me.
i have just eaten a light floaty bowl of small slices of carrot and green bean and the like, and the potatoes in it were good too. i ought to stop writing and pour myself another bowl. it will also be the first.
the high noon of the soul approaching
the heat rising
the body slowing its reactions
deadening it’s emotions
to resist the increase in meaning
to trace the trauma tradition
omega point
the tip of the cone
sparks desire back through time
and though we don’t know to what end we follow,
we follow, allow the end itself to evolve with emergence,
the evermoving point of most muchness evermore, evermost,
the new unity inevitably creating novelty creating new unity creating new novelty creating the new omega point.
fear not the final end; love the end for now.
does it move too fast, the end of the world?
here is the secret for surfing the wave:
Only Panic.
existential sociality
as reason for democracy
the way cells make tissues make organs make systems make persons, the way neurons make mind, the way things level up and become entirely new super organisms greater than the sum of their parts, take this abstract and place it over the individual and society, and you will see how the human mind is indescribably much larger than the brain of any one dense head.
essay on popular resistance
essay on nomadic life
people profit planet,
postindustrialism
kaskade
arcade destinations iceland
odessa
forgetting to close the gate and turning around remembering
that although i love living free
a messy happy little elf
knowing the human right is
the transcendence of all bounds,
i still also have a responsibility
to close the gates behind me
for those who would want me to
supply is addicted to demand
and wants more.
it can make more
supply can buy demand
with a little bullshit
My today
Today i started today
And not as an extension of yesterday
As often is the case for night owls and poets
Today i started in sleep and did not dream
Until I woke up and dedicated myself to the healing
Of all the debts i have taken out on my body.
How much life is in six eggs seasoned!
I have to take care of myself and
Then take care of my son
Even tho he pisses me off
He is a bad dog
But a pretty cool dude.
I gave him an egg because i love him.
Billy says But we all have to hatch
So I say we ought to incubate one another,
Make a brood of warm butts for the boys
And spill your sunflower seeds
All over my mind’s valleys and shores.
Somethings are beeping
And i can no longer think
Writing as a form of memory
I have just told again the story
Of a time I
Gave myself to ceremony
With ayahuasca met with
A white owl— flew outside—
And the stars danced ecstatic
With my electric white wings.
When one writes the ineffable…
Will writing replace memory?
If words deflect from myself…
But if I enter myself?
If I make a meditation of memory?
If I inhabit it
As real as I inhabit this room?
Could it live within me, always,
Present, how it feels to be here,
In this room, outside,
A wonderfully powerful owl
Dancing with the saguaros with the stars
Dancing with me?
to be present is to be
sent ahead to bring the world
thiel fellowship
-long essay on the need for democratic literature
-all my poetry
-essay on popular reformation
-essay conservative, progressive, liberal
-essay on why you should live in a bus
-story of my year in the bus
-whatever else i have
to carry with two hands
more than twice as much water as one
the gila a creek
a reduction and a revelation
mugion commune just over the ridge there from lordsburg the most awful place in the country
sitting on mud deposit city by pontchartrain looking beyond the bridge
water and many layers of clouds and storms,
gray breaking open to blue with the wind with the wind
and a pelican flying and fish jumping
from water both gray and blue—
there is a rainbow near the water in the gray far away.
for a moment i long beyond sight seeing
the little spots in my vision
which are not the vision out there
but a vision on the other side
of a scratched lens, myself.
there is some knowledge that burns
a self like sun-spots.
i am always dreaming, and only for now,
and the clouds are moving with the wind
and the world is blue at best.
i love that i can see, and what,
and a fish leaps at an angle
and the rainbow reaching
arches farther upward
as clouds retreat and reveal
all creation as revelation
near-total lunar eclipse
the crescent of light overtakes
the speed of shadow…
the blood fades to black
swamp poem i
we came to see gators of course but
saw ourselves in a new wetness.
this is an environment, different
than we’ve known. in a new place
you learn fastest at first, a child
adapting to challenges, joys.
everything touches me; i give body.
on the other side of the imprint
i feel myself, greener and browner
and palmetto hands and still wetness and little green eyelets observing and absorbing the surface and I
and the tiny bubbles and the novel birdcall and the thick moss floating loose and high
held by the trees like the lightest kitestring, myself in the wind and the wind.
swamp poem ii
and i too am the oil that stains
the still surface and strangles the life.
a sin shimmers at dying edges in the quiet.
what pollution have we brought here?
what voodoo could curse as crudely
as the black magic of oil spilled
in the great mecca of american life,
the evolving destination of the sacred
muddy pilgrimage of all american waters?
the generations of the mississippi
are offended, the ancestors are angry,
the temple has been defiled and the wrath
will be harsher than any one hurricane.
we must clean the temple, rebuild and
regrow the temple.
i pray it is not too late to avoid
the medicine man’s epitaph:
‘they poisoned the mississippi.’
oh lord let us heal ourselves, the swamp,
and perform a powerful ceremony
to reverse the curse of our transgressions.
sa1410813
4018626689
where are you?
hey instagram!
sorry for more or less disappearing for the last two years. my bad. in 2020 i stopped sharing for mental health reasons, & i also felt weird about the pressure that the pandemic put on our social media selves. once i stopped for a bit it became too hard to catch up— but i’m about ready to start sharing again. 2021 has been a truly amazing year. i’ve lived in a school bus out west since january, & just hitchhiked home to mass for the holidays. it’s been an amazing ten month adventure— i saw beautiful things, made amazing friends, & grew a lot. i’ve been living the sort of photogenic life that an instagram influencer would kill for, parking my diy home in the most beautiful places in america. however, i didn’t share any of it, because i felt weird about the way social media commodifies one’s own image & lifestyle. i lived a beautiful & adventurous life this year because i wanted to for myself, & i felt that if i shared it online then i’d no longer know for sure that i was doing it for myself. as in, am i living a beautiful adventurous life because i love it, or because i love being seen as the guy living a beautiful adventurous life? am i doing it for personal joy, or attention capital in the spectacle? life on the road is older & deeper than #vanlife. i worried that once i started sharing my adventures as i lived them i’d lose some purity of purpose. i also was working on myself, & worried about the impact of instagram on my psyche.
but the year’s adventure is over now; i’m home & recovering & remembering. i’ve waited long enough now to feel confident in my values & motivations— i lived an amazing life this year for myself, & now sharing it afterwards will make a lot of people happy. plus, free dopamine. i happen to have a treasure trove of pictures, & can’t wait to start sharing my 2021 with you all. i’ve got a lot of catching up to do from 2020, too.
btw, this photo is from 2019 by lake macdonald in glacier NP. the story of this night is in my older glacier posts. 2019 feels like ages ago. if you’ve read this far, wow! enjoy reliving the last two years with me as i work my way through my camera roll. the captions will hopefully be less long.
Beatin' Paths ~~~ The journey to the Great American Novel 